We all have excuses for why we feel we can't be or do everything we would like. For me, this excuse has often been the fact that I have a chronic illness. In times when my illness is flared, I often feel like it prevents me from doing anything well. It is true that sometimes I am so ill I can barely do anything at all, and other times I am just more tired, and in general more drained. I find it difficult to be patient with my children when I am not feeling well, and I don't engage with them the way I wish I did. I have a hard time keeping up with the house. I'm leery about volunteering to participate in any activities not already on my calendar because I'm not sure I'll be feeling up for it by the time the date comes around.
God recently gave me a very simple revelation. I was in a time of flare with my illness, and very frustrated with my condition. I was talking to God about my frustration, and my general thought process was this, "I don't understand why You haven't healed me. I can't be the mother, the wife, or the woman I'm supposed to be when I am not well. If I were healthy I could do such a better job. I need You to take this away, so I can be who You want me to be." I thought it was a pretty convincing argument. I have all of these roles to play that God has given me, and in order to fill these roles in a manner worthy of the One who has called me to them, I must perform with excellence. Sometimes I don't feel like I have the energy for excellence, just mediocrity.
Needless to say, I was surprised by the answer I heard Him whispering back. "I have given you everything you need to be all that I have called you to be. If you don't have health, you don't need it. You might want it, but you don't need it. You can be everything I require of you right now, with what you have right now."
I can't tell you the impact this revelation has had on my perspective. I always assumed that since God is perfect, nothing less than perfection could ever be truly acceptable to offer Him. Well, I can tell you, hearing Him tell me I can be the mother I am supposed to be with what I have meant that, even to God, there is such a thing as "good enough". If I stop making excuses and do the best I can do with the energy I have, at the end of the day, it will be good enough, and God's grace will take all of my shortcomings and failings and somehow work them together for good. He will fill in the cracks and gaps where I fall short. He might use other people and their strengths. He might simply use those shortcomings and gaps to build the character that He wants into my children, and prepare them to live their own callings in an imperfect world. Bottom line, not all of our blunders have to be failures. In our weakness, His power is made perfect.
What is your excuse? Do you not have enough energy, money, health, or time? God promises that He will provide for all of our needs. So often, we confuse needs and wants. We have a tendency to be the type of people who pack two suitcases and four pairs of shoes for a weekend trip. We like being overly prepared. God wants us to rely on Him, and we rarely do when we have the feeling of safety that comes from being overly prepared and fully equipped, yet we want that reassurance before stepping out in doing anything. So my encouragement to you is, if you feel God calling you to something, step out. You may not feel like you have everything you need, but you do, or at least you will, when you need it.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Way You Were Made
Keeping on the theme of my last post about making peace with characteristics about ourselves that we might not like, I've been inspired by conversations I've had and articles I've read in the last week to address the issue of making peace with the way God made us. You see, we all seem to have this tendency to believe that while everyone is unique, deep down we are all the same. That's a cliche we hear all the time. To some extent it is very true. God made us all to be unique, but we are all created in His image, and we share the same basic needs as creatures. However, there is large variation in the extent to which we need certain things, and the manner in which we function best and meet our greatest potential.
I believe a large part of the problem is that all humans have a tendency to compare themselves to others, and as a collective we like to try to figure out the "right" way to do any given thing in life. The "right" way to schedule one's day for greatest success, the "right" way to discipline and raise a child, or the "right" way to find balance. There are tons of books written on every subject about how to do things the "right" way so you can be rich, attractive, fulfilled, and not screw up your children. In fact, you not only don't screw up your children, you ensure that you train them to grow up to be... rich, attractive, fulfilled, oh, and a prodigy in their unique talent area, of course, because if you miss that, you're surely responsible for them missing their true calling in life.
Life is such that we all have seasons where we are muddling through. Actually, no, I'd say we all have days, hours, minutes, within EVERY season of life where we feel like we are muddling through. We are frustrated by those times. We see them as evidence that we haven't quite figured out the magic formula for eliminating the muddling. We look to others who seem to have succeeded, and naturally want to learn from them how they did it, and then automatically apply their every habit to our own life in the hopes that we'll see the same result. Now let me be clear, this is not entirely without wisdom. There are a lot of areas where we aren't living as well as we should and we can gain a lot of wisdom from the experience and guidance of others who are further along in experience than we are. There will always be someone who has faced our same struggle, wrestled with it, and found a solution that improves their life, and gleaning wisdom from these people can save us a lot of unnecessary wrestling. However, it is my belief that we are setting ourselves up for a life of anxiety and discontentment if we truly believe that we can completely eliminate the muddling. Improve it; yes. Live with more joy, peace and fulfillment; yes. Forever be free from the cycles I wrote about in the last post... No. There will always be times in your life when you will feel tired, or frustrated, and you will question whether you are doing things the best way. Sometimes God gives us those times, so we will come to Him with a heart ready and open to learn a better way. Other times, we just believe we can take the fallen-ness out of this world, or at least rise above it, and we foolishly look for hard and fast rules about the "right" way. Instead we need to realize that even if we are doing things how God wants us to, we are still going to need times of rest, and a large portion of grace because life isn't neat and tidy, and we aren't perfect. Even the people we are trying to emulate because we think they appear to be perfect, aren't perfect.
So how do we begin to make peace with the way we were made? I think the first step is spending some time reflecting and getting to know ourselves, and dialoguing with God about how we have been uniquely created. I felt like I had an "Aha!" moment a few months ago, when I just suddenly realized, "I'm a slow pace person, and that's OK!" I do NOT thrive when running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Overscheduling will lead to the death of me. I burn out. I'm not nice. I'm not joyful. I'm not fulfilled. Hmmm... maybe God made me this way, and I need to stop trying to keep up women who were created to be fast pace.
Interestingly, what made me realize this was a point of frustration with my daughter, and trying to understand how God made her, so I could be a better mother to her. I was always trying to get her moving and keep her from becoming lazy. She is so bright and smart, and I didn't want her to waste her potential. Then we had to face decisions about how to schedule her life. I was trying frantically to figure out whether half-day or full-day kindergarten was best. Which was the "right" decision?! 80% of the other parents at her school decided full-day was right, but my gut (and my daughter when I asked her on multiple occasions) said that half-day was right for her. I deliriously believed that this one decision about kindergarten would surely be the hinge from which her entire future academic success would be determined. Talk about anxiety! It's hard to trust your gut when you're not in the majority. Thankfully God allowed the lightbulb to go on, and that's when I realized that she's just like me. She's an introvert. She's a night owl. She's a homebody. She's slow pace. She's very artistic. She needs down time and alone time to recharge and to truly thrive. I was able to realize that I wouldn't be wasting her academic potential by having her in school for half the time. By choosing half-day for her, I was giving her the time she needed to thrive, which in turn actually helps her to learn better, helps her to love and enjoy school instead of burning out on it, and makes her much more pleasant to be around. I had to get over my fear that there is a one size fits all right way, and that if the majority was right on this one, I had chosen to put my child behind. I made peace with how she was made, and it's been the best year we've had. In fact, when I asked her teacher how she was doing, she just smiled and said, "School's her thing." Just like her mama.
What concerns me is our innate desire to over-homogenize. It makes us feel safe somehow if we stay with the pack. It reaffirms our decisions if everyone agrees with us. We see someone succeed in some area, and we say, "Oh yes, that's it! That is what everyone should do! Frankly they'd have to be an idiot (or a terrible mother) to see it any other way." My friends are tied in knots about a million different things. What's best, homeschooling, public or private school? Or maybe a charter school? To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? Whether or not to work outside the home and how much. Day care or nanny? How many extracurricular activities are best? Do children need to be exposed to sports and music before age 3 to reach their full potential in those areas? Some people need constant activity and stimulation to thrive. They feel useless otherwise. We label these people as workaholics or overachievers, but if they are truly made that way, there is nothing wrong with them exerting so much energy everyday just as there is nothing wrong with the people who can't exert that much energy without imploding. Did you know that the true difference between extroverts and introverts is how their batteries are recharged? If you start to feel drained when you spend too much time alone, and then feel rejuvenated by going to a party or being around crowds of people in the city, you're an extrovert. If you enjoy being around people, but eventually feel drained by too much interaction, and feel recharged after some quiet alone time, you're an introvert. God didn't make us all the same, and good thing, because the world would literally not turn, people! There are not "right", one size fits all answers to these questions. In fact, what may be right for one person may be wrong for another. I was recently convicted of this with the vaccine debate. I've stood staunchly on both lines of this one at different points in my mothering journey, so I feel qualified to speak from both perspectives. The problem is that I was letting my negative experiences with vaccines, and my subsequent research determine the way I thought everyone should see them. I realized that the same vaccine that will kill one person, will save the life of another, and we are not the ones who know which is which. After prayerful consideration, if I feel more peace with not giving a certain vaccine, and my dear friend feels more peace with giving it, should we try to convince each other that we shouldn't have the peace we do with our decision? I came to realize that something that may have hurt my child, may save the life of hers, and vice versa. We are all terrified of being wrong no matter which decision we make, but we need to trust that if we seek Him, God will give us the direction that is right for us, and know that it may be the opposite of what is right for another. If the Bible isn't clear on the right and wrong about something, then I believe we are to receive as blessings that which God wants us to receive and to use caution where He prompts us. Only He knows what is right for each of us.We want there to be a one size fits all that we can settle into without doubt, but there isn't.
I'm a night owl. If I let myself follow my natural tendencies without trying to tweak my schedule at all, I will stay up until midnight or 1am and sleep until 8 or 9 am. I need at least 8 hours of sleep every night and will gladly take up to 10. If I don't get that amount of sleep consistently, I get crabby, exhausted, and I often get physically sick. I've spent my whole life hearing expressions like, "The early bird gets the worm." "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Do I wish I was up to see the sunrise every morning to have a peaceful cup of tea, exercise, and do a devotional? Do I wish I was an energizer bunny that could run perfectly on just 4 hours of sleep, so I could get so much more done? Absolutely! Both of those things sound fabulous to me! Wouldn't that be a better way to be? Yes, it must be. And if it's the best way, mustn't God want me to conform myself to that? Doesn't the Proverbs 31 woman stay up later than her family, get up before them while it is still dark, and toil all day at a million different things without ever burning out? I have struggled with this many times. I have tried to fit that mold, and I will tell you, I do not do well when I try to buck the way I was made. I finally had to realize that if I can't change the way that I am, it must be the way God designed me to be, and I need to learn how the way I am has uniquely prepared me to live my purpose.
Have you ever taken a personality test? These remind us of the vast differences in people's areas of strength, how they view the world, how they function, how they thrive. Every personality test I have ever taken comes out saying that creativity is my strength. I love that I'm creative, but have never seen it as very practical. Not easy to make a living that way, right? (Funny side note being that I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and now I am one, so at this stage at least, I don't need to force the issue of making money by using my strengths. Love that about God!) I am always most joyful and energized when I am doing something creative. It can be photography, working on a scrapbook, writing, decorating, designing a garden. If it is creative, it feeds me, and makes me feel happy. Remember how I said I am a slow pace person, a night owl, and an introvert, and how I felt for a long time like I should try to change those things? Guess what, I am most creative after 10pm. If I am hurried and busy, my creative brain is turned off. I need time alone, in silence, for my creative juices to flow at their peak. It takes a long time. I need time to get into a rhythm. When trying to design my front landscaping, I will literally sit on the lawn in my front yard and stare at my house for long stretches at a time. My mind's eye is busily rearranging and designing while everything else around me is still. When I allow myself to become over-scheduled, I stop creating, which means I stop getting fed in that way and feeling that sense of fulfillment, and I feel discontented and burned out. I am still searching for how my creativity fits into my larger purpose as it pertains to God's eternal kingdom. All I know is that it must have some purpose, or it wouldn't be what fills me up. I'm trying to trust in the fact that God made me this way, and that it makes Him happy when I create.
Still need more convincing that it's actually a good thing that we are all different? If no one was a night owl, who would want to work the afternoon shift at the hospital? However, I wouldn't want a surgeon who is a night owl performing my 6am surgery! What about whether to stay home or work when you're a mother? I love staying home; it is a great fit for me. Although I have to say, I'm glad my pediatrician is a working mother. I specifically wanted to work with a physician who has the perspective of both a doctor and a mom. The list could go on and on. Instead of trying to make ourselves feel secure by either conforming to the majority or trying to make the majority agree with us, we need to be honest with ourselves and allow God to speak into our lives, and realize that He did make us all differently.
How did God make you? How did God make your kids? Once you have some insight into those questions you can use that knowledge to make decisions about how your family may best thrive. Not all decisions will be clear, and we don't have crystal balls that let us see the end to every possible permutation of this "Choose Your Own Adventure" book we call life. Give yourself grace to do the best you know how, and trust God that His equipping is sufficient for us to do what He requires. In other words, even if we do our best and somehow miss the boat; if I honor the slow pace I recognize in myself and my kids and don't put them in an activity and later regret it; I need to remember that David's parents probably didn't send him to sling-shot camp when he was 5, but when the time came to face the giant, God gave him all the equipping he needed.
I believe a large part of the problem is that all humans have a tendency to compare themselves to others, and as a collective we like to try to figure out the "right" way to do any given thing in life. The "right" way to schedule one's day for greatest success, the "right" way to discipline and raise a child, or the "right" way to find balance. There are tons of books written on every subject about how to do things the "right" way so you can be rich, attractive, fulfilled, and not screw up your children. In fact, you not only don't screw up your children, you ensure that you train them to grow up to be... rich, attractive, fulfilled, oh, and a prodigy in their unique talent area, of course, because if you miss that, you're surely responsible for them missing their true calling in life.
Life is such that we all have seasons where we are muddling through. Actually, no, I'd say we all have days, hours, minutes, within EVERY season of life where we feel like we are muddling through. We are frustrated by those times. We see them as evidence that we haven't quite figured out the magic formula for eliminating the muddling. We look to others who seem to have succeeded, and naturally want to learn from them how they did it, and then automatically apply their every habit to our own life in the hopes that we'll see the same result. Now let me be clear, this is not entirely without wisdom. There are a lot of areas where we aren't living as well as we should and we can gain a lot of wisdom from the experience and guidance of others who are further along in experience than we are. There will always be someone who has faced our same struggle, wrestled with it, and found a solution that improves their life, and gleaning wisdom from these people can save us a lot of unnecessary wrestling. However, it is my belief that we are setting ourselves up for a life of anxiety and discontentment if we truly believe that we can completely eliminate the muddling. Improve it; yes. Live with more joy, peace and fulfillment; yes. Forever be free from the cycles I wrote about in the last post... No. There will always be times in your life when you will feel tired, or frustrated, and you will question whether you are doing things the best way. Sometimes God gives us those times, so we will come to Him with a heart ready and open to learn a better way. Other times, we just believe we can take the fallen-ness out of this world, or at least rise above it, and we foolishly look for hard and fast rules about the "right" way. Instead we need to realize that even if we are doing things how God wants us to, we are still going to need times of rest, and a large portion of grace because life isn't neat and tidy, and we aren't perfect. Even the people we are trying to emulate because we think they appear to be perfect, aren't perfect.
So how do we begin to make peace with the way we were made? I think the first step is spending some time reflecting and getting to know ourselves, and dialoguing with God about how we have been uniquely created. I felt like I had an "Aha!" moment a few months ago, when I just suddenly realized, "I'm a slow pace person, and that's OK!" I do NOT thrive when running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Overscheduling will lead to the death of me. I burn out. I'm not nice. I'm not joyful. I'm not fulfilled. Hmmm... maybe God made me this way, and I need to stop trying to keep up women who were created to be fast pace.
Interestingly, what made me realize this was a point of frustration with my daughter, and trying to understand how God made her, so I could be a better mother to her. I was always trying to get her moving and keep her from becoming lazy. She is so bright and smart, and I didn't want her to waste her potential. Then we had to face decisions about how to schedule her life. I was trying frantically to figure out whether half-day or full-day kindergarten was best. Which was the "right" decision?! 80% of the other parents at her school decided full-day was right, but my gut (and my daughter when I asked her on multiple occasions) said that half-day was right for her. I deliriously believed that this one decision about kindergarten would surely be the hinge from which her entire future academic success would be determined. Talk about anxiety! It's hard to trust your gut when you're not in the majority. Thankfully God allowed the lightbulb to go on, and that's when I realized that she's just like me. She's an introvert. She's a night owl. She's a homebody. She's slow pace. She's very artistic. She needs down time and alone time to recharge and to truly thrive. I was able to realize that I wouldn't be wasting her academic potential by having her in school for half the time. By choosing half-day for her, I was giving her the time she needed to thrive, which in turn actually helps her to learn better, helps her to love and enjoy school instead of burning out on it, and makes her much more pleasant to be around. I had to get over my fear that there is a one size fits all right way, and that if the majority was right on this one, I had chosen to put my child behind. I made peace with how she was made, and it's been the best year we've had. In fact, when I asked her teacher how she was doing, she just smiled and said, "School's her thing." Just like her mama.
What concerns me is our innate desire to over-homogenize. It makes us feel safe somehow if we stay with the pack. It reaffirms our decisions if everyone agrees with us. We see someone succeed in some area, and we say, "Oh yes, that's it! That is what everyone should do! Frankly they'd have to be an idiot (or a terrible mother) to see it any other way." My friends are tied in knots about a million different things. What's best, homeschooling, public or private school? Or maybe a charter school? To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? Whether or not to work outside the home and how much. Day care or nanny? How many extracurricular activities are best? Do children need to be exposed to sports and music before age 3 to reach their full potential in those areas? Some people need constant activity and stimulation to thrive. They feel useless otherwise. We label these people as workaholics or overachievers, but if they are truly made that way, there is nothing wrong with them exerting so much energy everyday just as there is nothing wrong with the people who can't exert that much energy without imploding. Did you know that the true difference between extroverts and introverts is how their batteries are recharged? If you start to feel drained when you spend too much time alone, and then feel rejuvenated by going to a party or being around crowds of people in the city, you're an extrovert. If you enjoy being around people, but eventually feel drained by too much interaction, and feel recharged after some quiet alone time, you're an introvert. God didn't make us all the same, and good thing, because the world would literally not turn, people! There are not "right", one size fits all answers to these questions. In fact, what may be right for one person may be wrong for another. I was recently convicted of this with the vaccine debate. I've stood staunchly on both lines of this one at different points in my mothering journey, so I feel qualified to speak from both perspectives. The problem is that I was letting my negative experiences with vaccines, and my subsequent research determine the way I thought everyone should see them. I realized that the same vaccine that will kill one person, will save the life of another, and we are not the ones who know which is which. After prayerful consideration, if I feel more peace with not giving a certain vaccine, and my dear friend feels more peace with giving it, should we try to convince each other that we shouldn't have the peace we do with our decision? I came to realize that something that may have hurt my child, may save the life of hers, and vice versa. We are all terrified of being wrong no matter which decision we make, but we need to trust that if we seek Him, God will give us the direction that is right for us, and know that it may be the opposite of what is right for another. If the Bible isn't clear on the right and wrong about something, then I believe we are to receive as blessings that which God wants us to receive and to use caution where He prompts us. Only He knows what is right for each of us.We want there to be a one size fits all that we can settle into without doubt, but there isn't.
I'm a night owl. If I let myself follow my natural tendencies without trying to tweak my schedule at all, I will stay up until midnight or 1am and sleep until 8 or 9 am. I need at least 8 hours of sleep every night and will gladly take up to 10. If I don't get that amount of sleep consistently, I get crabby, exhausted, and I often get physically sick. I've spent my whole life hearing expressions like, "The early bird gets the worm." "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Do I wish I was up to see the sunrise every morning to have a peaceful cup of tea, exercise, and do a devotional? Do I wish I was an energizer bunny that could run perfectly on just 4 hours of sleep, so I could get so much more done? Absolutely! Both of those things sound fabulous to me! Wouldn't that be a better way to be? Yes, it must be. And if it's the best way, mustn't God want me to conform myself to that? Doesn't the Proverbs 31 woman stay up later than her family, get up before them while it is still dark, and toil all day at a million different things without ever burning out? I have struggled with this many times. I have tried to fit that mold, and I will tell you, I do not do well when I try to buck the way I was made. I finally had to realize that if I can't change the way that I am, it must be the way God designed me to be, and I need to learn how the way I am has uniquely prepared me to live my purpose.
Have you ever taken a personality test? These remind us of the vast differences in people's areas of strength, how they view the world, how they function, how they thrive. Every personality test I have ever taken comes out saying that creativity is my strength. I love that I'm creative, but have never seen it as very practical. Not easy to make a living that way, right? (Funny side note being that I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and now I am one, so at this stage at least, I don't need to force the issue of making money by using my strengths. Love that about God!) I am always most joyful and energized when I am doing something creative. It can be photography, working on a scrapbook, writing, decorating, designing a garden. If it is creative, it feeds me, and makes me feel happy. Remember how I said I am a slow pace person, a night owl, and an introvert, and how I felt for a long time like I should try to change those things? Guess what, I am most creative after 10pm. If I am hurried and busy, my creative brain is turned off. I need time alone, in silence, for my creative juices to flow at their peak. It takes a long time. I need time to get into a rhythm. When trying to design my front landscaping, I will literally sit on the lawn in my front yard and stare at my house for long stretches at a time. My mind's eye is busily rearranging and designing while everything else around me is still. When I allow myself to become over-scheduled, I stop creating, which means I stop getting fed in that way and feeling that sense of fulfillment, and I feel discontented and burned out. I am still searching for how my creativity fits into my larger purpose as it pertains to God's eternal kingdom. All I know is that it must have some purpose, or it wouldn't be what fills me up. I'm trying to trust in the fact that God made me this way, and that it makes Him happy when I create.
Still need more convincing that it's actually a good thing that we are all different? If no one was a night owl, who would want to work the afternoon shift at the hospital? However, I wouldn't want a surgeon who is a night owl performing my 6am surgery! What about whether to stay home or work when you're a mother? I love staying home; it is a great fit for me. Although I have to say, I'm glad my pediatrician is a working mother. I specifically wanted to work with a physician who has the perspective of both a doctor and a mom. The list could go on and on. Instead of trying to make ourselves feel secure by either conforming to the majority or trying to make the majority agree with us, we need to be honest with ourselves and allow God to speak into our lives, and realize that He did make us all differently.
How did God make you? How did God make your kids? Once you have some insight into those questions you can use that knowledge to make decisions about how your family may best thrive. Not all decisions will be clear, and we don't have crystal balls that let us see the end to every possible permutation of this "Choose Your Own Adventure" book we call life. Give yourself grace to do the best you know how, and trust God that His equipping is sufficient for us to do what He requires. In other words, even if we do our best and somehow miss the boat; if I honor the slow pace I recognize in myself and my kids and don't put them in an activity and later regret it; I need to remember that David's parents probably didn't send him to sling-shot camp when he was 5, but when the time came to face the giant, God gave him all the equipping he needed.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Making Peace with Cycles
Everything in life is cyclical. In fact, God seems to have designed almost everything this way from the cycles of day and night, to the waxing and waning of the moon, tides, seasons, and the list goes on. Did you ever think that there couldn't be mountains if there were not also valleys? Ups and downs, ebbs and flows are the nature that He created.
When it comes to my life, my mood, and my strength, I often forget that cycles are a part of almost every aspect of my life as well. I've found myself surprised by, and frankly, disappointed by my cyclical habits. I find myself toggling between hope and despair, beating the pavement one week and utterly weary the next, fully trusting and then suddenly doubting, contentment and discontentment, patience and impatience.
The problem, I find, is that I expect myself to be able to reach the highest standard on a consistent and unwavering basis. (Yes, this is also called perfectionism.) I feel justified, however, in my harsh condemnation of myself because aren't the negative sides of all of those cycles somehow un-Biblical? As a Christian, I should NEVER depair, be weary, doubt, be discontent, or be impatient. I can easily provide several scripture verses to support how through faith and the Holy Spirit we are to rise above those things. Yet tried I have, in vain. Prayed and studied and prayed some more... The cycles still remain.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I stay on top of my game? Why can't I muster enough faith, enough energy, enough patience, enough (fill in the blank)? Why do I always inevitably have days where I feel completely defeated and downtrodden? Why? ....Because that's life. And life is real. We don't want it to be. We want it to be like a perfectly crafted story, a dream we can envision in our mind's eye. We want Eden. But that is not our world and that is not our broken, human selves. Life is real, and real is hard.
So what now? Do we cash in the dream? Well, yes and no. I do believe the Bible is completely true, and that God molds and refines us and makes us more like his image. But if God is pure gold then we are mud pies that He is shaping to look more like Himself. The rain comes, we get soggy and messy and He needs to push and knead us back into shape. No matter how good we look, we are still mud, and He knows we are mud. Maybe that's why His grace for us is so abounding. The problem is that we believe we are fully capable of being gold ourselves and, therefore, we don't give ourselves grace, and often we won't even receive it from Him. We hate our muddy selves, and we think He must be terribly disappointed in us also.
I've started to think, that maybe, just maybe, God can handle my weakness. He can take it when doubt creeps in and when I lose my cool. He has compassion on my despair and my weariness. He knows I need Him.
I will not stop trying to be worthy of the calling and adoption He has given me, and I will forever hope that my life displays the fruits of the Spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control. What I will try to change is my unrealistic expectation that I will succeed in those attempts every day and every hour of my life. I will give myself grace knowing that I'm mud striving to imitate gold. I'll try to make peace with the fact that I'm broken, and instead of whipping myself for being weak, I'll say it's okay because I've got a God whose strong enough to compensate, and I'll just lean a little more into Him.
When it comes to my life, my mood, and my strength, I often forget that cycles are a part of almost every aspect of my life as well. I've found myself surprised by, and frankly, disappointed by my cyclical habits. I find myself toggling between hope and despair, beating the pavement one week and utterly weary the next, fully trusting and then suddenly doubting, contentment and discontentment, patience and impatience.
The problem, I find, is that I expect myself to be able to reach the highest standard on a consistent and unwavering basis. (Yes, this is also called perfectionism.) I feel justified, however, in my harsh condemnation of myself because aren't the negative sides of all of those cycles somehow un-Biblical? As a Christian, I should NEVER depair, be weary, doubt, be discontent, or be impatient. I can easily provide several scripture verses to support how through faith and the Holy Spirit we are to rise above those things. Yet tried I have, in vain. Prayed and studied and prayed some more... The cycles still remain.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I stay on top of my game? Why can't I muster enough faith, enough energy, enough patience, enough (fill in the blank)? Why do I always inevitably have days where I feel completely defeated and downtrodden? Why? ....Because that's life. And life is real. We don't want it to be. We want it to be like a perfectly crafted story, a dream we can envision in our mind's eye. We want Eden. But that is not our world and that is not our broken, human selves. Life is real, and real is hard.
So what now? Do we cash in the dream? Well, yes and no. I do believe the Bible is completely true, and that God molds and refines us and makes us more like his image. But if God is pure gold then we are mud pies that He is shaping to look more like Himself. The rain comes, we get soggy and messy and He needs to push and knead us back into shape. No matter how good we look, we are still mud, and He knows we are mud. Maybe that's why His grace for us is so abounding. The problem is that we believe we are fully capable of being gold ourselves and, therefore, we don't give ourselves grace, and often we won't even receive it from Him. We hate our muddy selves, and we think He must be terribly disappointed in us also.
I've started to think, that maybe, just maybe, God can handle my weakness. He can take it when doubt creeps in and when I lose my cool. He has compassion on my despair and my weariness. He knows I need Him.
I will not stop trying to be worthy of the calling and adoption He has given me, and I will forever hope that my life displays the fruits of the Spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control. What I will try to change is my unrealistic expectation that I will succeed in those attempts every day and every hour of my life. I will give myself grace knowing that I'm mud striving to imitate gold. I'll try to make peace with the fact that I'm broken, and instead of whipping myself for being weak, I'll say it's okay because I've got a God whose strong enough to compensate, and I'll just lean a little more into Him.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
What Do You Complain About?
I realized recently that I have a handful of friends that I really love being around. They lift my mood when I am with them. I started to ask myself why. What is it about these people that makes me like them so much? It didn't take long for me to put my finger on the fact that they are all optimists, they smile and laugh a lot, they roll with the punches, in short, they are fun! The amazing thing to me is that they manage to be this way without being disingenuous. Sure they have bad days and run into just as many daily frustrations as the next person, but they don't overly focus on these aspects, and even when they do talk about a speed bump in their day, they can usually laugh about it or see the silver lining. They don't fake happiness and pretend everything is perfect all of the time, but their attitude in facing hardships is positive and they are generally content with their lives.
Ever noticed there are people in your life who decrease your stress load and others who contribute to it? I sometimes call this anxiety dumping. It's a term I created to describe when someone who is really anxious or stressed about something talks/complains/worries a whole bunch about it to me until I inevitably pick up some of their anxiety and stress. I'm not talking about carrying each others' burdens and being a shoulder for someone, I'm talking about completely unproductive "misery loves company," "I just blech all over you" kind of thing. Unfortunately it is nearly impossible for me not to be stressed when the people around me are stressed. It's the downside of being a sensitive person with anxious tendencies.
I'm sad to say that I have often been guilty of anxiety dumping myself. I've also given way too much power to the little frustrations in my life by focusing on them and making them the topic of my conversations. There are a lot of things I would like to change about myself, but greatly decreasing the amount that I complain is high on the list.
So if I want to complain less, why do I do it in the first place? I've thought about this a lot. I think most of us, myself included, have somehow bought the lie that griping and complaining are a bonding experience where we commiserate with others. Sometimes I think I am looking for softness and sympathy from others about all I have to deal with each day. Finally, sometimes it almost feels like a competition to see whose life or day is hardest. I know I see this in my marriage where we each share all of the day's frustrations and then say something like, "I think you should have to put the kids to bed because I've already changed 7 poopy diapers today and dealt with 5 full-blown toddler meltdowns, spilled milk, and a box of cereal being dumped on the floor!" The problem is, as I'm keeping track of every little frustration with the intent to tell someone about it later or post about it on Facebook, I've already blown it out of proportion and worked myself up about it more than it deserves. Instead of seeing poopy diapers and meltdowns as a natural part of the joyful job of parenting a cute, little blessing, I change the filter through which I see my life and see everything as a huge hassle and a heavy burden.
Here's a recent example from my own household. My son is starting to potty train and he likes to watch things go down the toilet. He has twice now stuck his head in the toilet to the point where he got his hair wet! I hope you're laughing because it really is pretty funny. I had two completely different reactions the two times this has happened. I told people about it each time. Here is roughly what I said. "You won't believe what he did today! He stuck his head in the toilet trying to see the potty go bye-bye and got his hair wet (laughing)! Ah, the joys of parenting (said lightheartedly)." The second time it happened I was already frustrated and my reaction sounded more like this, "Grrrr...This kid is driving me freakin' nuts! He just stuck his head in the toilet A-GAIN! Why do kids have to be germ magnets? Knowing my luck he'll get sick now!" Feel the difference? Same thing happened, and I shared it with others each time. However, the first version leaves the listener (and me) with a completely different emotional experience from the conversation. I'd like to be the better version of myself on a more regular basis!
So what keeps us from changing? First off, HABIT! Oh how those bad habits are hard to change! I've also noticed that I'm afraid I'll seem obnoxious or fake to people if I were actually positive and upbeat most of the time. Lastly, I'm worried I wouldn't have anything to talk about! Sounds ridiculous, but honestly I for some reason believe that the insignificant hardships in my life can be played up to make my life sound full and interesting. What I need to remember is the truth of my experience. Authentic, positive, content people are the ones I want to be around, not the ones who are always frustrated and complaining. Complaining is the adult equivalent of whining. When people complain to me or I complain to them, I inevitably feel drained. Complain. Drain. Convenient that they rhyme, isn't it?!
One of the best ways to learn anything new is by close observation and imitation. If this can be true for other skills like cooking, dancing, athletics, etc, then there's no reason it can't work for improving the way we think and interact. Think of one person in your life who is a ray of sunshine. Next time you are with them, study them and try to pick up on the little nuances in how they filter what happens in their life, how they communicate it to others, how they support or interact with others. Try to find something you can mimic and practice it. Surround yourself as much as possible with the people in your life who lift you up, and minimize time with anyone who is toxic and negative. Attitudes are contagious!
Journaling Ideas and Things to Think About:
-What do you complain about? Start paying attention. Most likely the areas where you complain are areas where you are sweating the small stuff. What is one way you could change your thinking, actions, or attitude in these areas?
-What kind of friend are you - someone who drains and burdens people or someone who helps them be more positive? Would you want to be your friend? How can you be a better friend/spouse/parent? Think of one way you interact that you want to change and go to work!
-If you can't think of other topics of conversation besides complaining, maybe you need more in your life, not less. Think about whether you could take up a new positive activity even with a small time commitment. Read a book, start a new hobby or sport, volunteer/serve in some way. All of these things will give you more experiences in your life and therefore more things to talk about.
-Can you pinpoint any negative consequences you've experienced as a result of complaining? Are people reluctant to watch your kids because you complain about their behavior? Has griping or complaining negatively impacted you professionally in some way? Are you less patient with your loved ones because you complain mentally to yourself about their habits and increase your own frustration level? Being honest with yourself about the impact complaining really has on your relationships can be the best motivation for change!
-I've shared this verse before, but I can never get too many reminders of this one! Post this someplace where you'll see it several times each day and every time you look at it, choose to see the good and the blessings in your life.
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8
Ever noticed there are people in your life who decrease your stress load and others who contribute to it? I sometimes call this anxiety dumping. It's a term I created to describe when someone who is really anxious or stressed about something talks/complains/worries a whole bunch about it to me until I inevitably pick up some of their anxiety and stress. I'm not talking about carrying each others' burdens and being a shoulder for someone, I'm talking about completely unproductive "misery loves company," "I just blech all over you" kind of thing. Unfortunately it is nearly impossible for me not to be stressed when the people around me are stressed. It's the downside of being a sensitive person with anxious tendencies.
I'm sad to say that I have often been guilty of anxiety dumping myself. I've also given way too much power to the little frustrations in my life by focusing on them and making them the topic of my conversations. There are a lot of things I would like to change about myself, but greatly decreasing the amount that I complain is high on the list.
So if I want to complain less, why do I do it in the first place? I've thought about this a lot. I think most of us, myself included, have somehow bought the lie that griping and complaining are a bonding experience where we commiserate with others. Sometimes I think I am looking for softness and sympathy from others about all I have to deal with each day. Finally, sometimes it almost feels like a competition to see whose life or day is hardest. I know I see this in my marriage where we each share all of the day's frustrations and then say something like, "I think you should have to put the kids to bed because I've already changed 7 poopy diapers today and dealt with 5 full-blown toddler meltdowns, spilled milk, and a box of cereal being dumped on the floor!" The problem is, as I'm keeping track of every little frustration with the intent to tell someone about it later or post about it on Facebook, I've already blown it out of proportion and worked myself up about it more than it deserves. Instead of seeing poopy diapers and meltdowns as a natural part of the joyful job of parenting a cute, little blessing, I change the filter through which I see my life and see everything as a huge hassle and a heavy burden.
Here's a recent example from my own household. My son is starting to potty train and he likes to watch things go down the toilet. He has twice now stuck his head in the toilet to the point where he got his hair wet! I hope you're laughing because it really is pretty funny. I had two completely different reactions the two times this has happened. I told people about it each time. Here is roughly what I said. "You won't believe what he did today! He stuck his head in the toilet trying to see the potty go bye-bye and got his hair wet (laughing)! Ah, the joys of parenting (said lightheartedly)." The second time it happened I was already frustrated and my reaction sounded more like this, "Grrrr...This kid is driving me freakin' nuts! He just stuck his head in the toilet A-GAIN! Why do kids have to be germ magnets? Knowing my luck he'll get sick now!" Feel the difference? Same thing happened, and I shared it with others each time. However, the first version leaves the listener (and me) with a completely different emotional experience from the conversation. I'd like to be the better version of myself on a more regular basis!
So what keeps us from changing? First off, HABIT! Oh how those bad habits are hard to change! I've also noticed that I'm afraid I'll seem obnoxious or fake to people if I were actually positive and upbeat most of the time. Lastly, I'm worried I wouldn't have anything to talk about! Sounds ridiculous, but honestly I for some reason believe that the insignificant hardships in my life can be played up to make my life sound full and interesting. What I need to remember is the truth of my experience. Authentic, positive, content people are the ones I want to be around, not the ones who are always frustrated and complaining. Complaining is the adult equivalent of whining. When people complain to me or I complain to them, I inevitably feel drained. Complain. Drain. Convenient that they rhyme, isn't it?!
One of the best ways to learn anything new is by close observation and imitation. If this can be true for other skills like cooking, dancing, athletics, etc, then there's no reason it can't work for improving the way we think and interact. Think of one person in your life who is a ray of sunshine. Next time you are with them, study them and try to pick up on the little nuances in how they filter what happens in their life, how they communicate it to others, how they support or interact with others. Try to find something you can mimic and practice it. Surround yourself as much as possible with the people in your life who lift you up, and minimize time with anyone who is toxic and negative. Attitudes are contagious!
Journaling Ideas and Things to Think About:
-What do you complain about? Start paying attention. Most likely the areas where you complain are areas where you are sweating the small stuff. What is one way you could change your thinking, actions, or attitude in these areas?
-What kind of friend are you - someone who drains and burdens people or someone who helps them be more positive? Would you want to be your friend? How can you be a better friend/spouse/parent? Think of one way you interact that you want to change and go to work!
-If you can't think of other topics of conversation besides complaining, maybe you need more in your life, not less. Think about whether you could take up a new positive activity even with a small time commitment. Read a book, start a new hobby or sport, volunteer/serve in some way. All of these things will give you more experiences in your life and therefore more things to talk about.
-Can you pinpoint any negative consequences you've experienced as a result of complaining? Are people reluctant to watch your kids because you complain about their behavior? Has griping or complaining negatively impacted you professionally in some way? Are you less patient with your loved ones because you complain mentally to yourself about their habits and increase your own frustration level? Being honest with yourself about the impact complaining really has on your relationships can be the best motivation for change!
-I've shared this verse before, but I can never get too many reminders of this one! Post this someplace where you'll see it several times each day and every time you look at it, choose to see the good and the blessings in your life.
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8
Friday, July 22, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude and The Power of Laughter
Whenever I am feeling particularly negative, stressed, overwhelmed, irrationally scared, easily annoyed, and just plain in a slump of a dump, I find that the cycle is hard to break unless I do something to purposefully interrupt it and to lighten my mood. There are several ways to do this. For more serious issues, I find the techniques discussed in earlier posts of using Bible verses and quotes to be very helpful. Sometimes, however, I just need to blow the storm cloud from over my head, and for that, I find that having an attitude of gratitude or the distraction of humor to be particularly helpful.
Let's start with the "attitude of gratitude." This is actually discussed in several of the books I have referenced for our study, and that's because it works! Years ago I was working in a job that I would describe as low paying, inconsistent, and "a trained monkey could do it." Clearly, there was frustration a-brewin' just based on those descriptions. My car was starting to leak transmission fluid, but I couldn't afford to replace it because... I didn't make enough money at my lousy job. You get the idea. I quickly got into a very negative cycle of grumbling and complaining, being easily annoyed, and focusing on the negative. Thankfully, I started reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff and some of the entries really addressed the idea of being thankful and focusing on the positive. I started to make being thankful my focus, and I cannot even tell you the difference it made in my level of happiness and contentment, and how it changed my whole outlook on life.
Instead of lamenting all of the bad aspects of my job, my car, etc. I started to replace those thoughts with others such as, "I'm thankful that I have a car to drive that gets me to and from work," "I'm thankful that I have money to put gas in the tank," "I'm thankful we can pay the mortgage and all of our bills this month," "I'm thankful for my co-workers that are kind to me." I found that I could essentially find something to be thankful for in just about every situation. I may have to park on the roof of the parking structure because the rest of the lot is full, but it's a nice day so I'm going to appreciate a little time in the sunshine. I still find myself thanking God for beautiful days, close parking spaces when it's raining, an item I need being on sale, or waking up just in time on a day I forgot to set my alarm. I see those things as God's activity in the little things of my daily life, and if I choose to focus on them, I feel cared for, and know He is with me. Honestly, any little thing you can notice to be thankful for will pull your focus away from the negative and change your perspective to one that is more positive. Grateful people are peaceful people.
Finally, good ol' humor is incredibly powerful. Laughter really is the best medicine for a stormy mood. I personally love the old TV show Friends because I really cannot watch an episode without laughing no matter what mood I'm in. So if you are feeling frustrated, angry, or scared, try giving yourself a timeout and watching or listening to something that makes you laugh. Maybe you have a favorite comedy on DVD that you could watch, or simply look up Bill Cosby on YouTube and watch a few clips of stand-up comedy. Think about what consistently makes you laugh, and keep it on hand. I'm always amazed at how a little humorous distraction can get me out of a rut.
Here's a really short clip from Friends that brings a smile to my face. Feel free to leave a comment letting us know what makes you laugh. We could all use some fresh material to keep us chuckling!
Friends - Joey and Chandler
Let's start with the "attitude of gratitude." This is actually discussed in several of the books I have referenced for our study, and that's because it works! Years ago I was working in a job that I would describe as low paying, inconsistent, and "a trained monkey could do it." Clearly, there was frustration a-brewin' just based on those descriptions. My car was starting to leak transmission fluid, but I couldn't afford to replace it because... I didn't make enough money at my lousy job. You get the idea. I quickly got into a very negative cycle of grumbling and complaining, being easily annoyed, and focusing on the negative. Thankfully, I started reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff and some of the entries really addressed the idea of being thankful and focusing on the positive. I started to make being thankful my focus, and I cannot even tell you the difference it made in my level of happiness and contentment, and how it changed my whole outlook on life.
Instead of lamenting all of the bad aspects of my job, my car, etc. I started to replace those thoughts with others such as, "I'm thankful that I have a car to drive that gets me to and from work," "I'm thankful that I have money to put gas in the tank," "I'm thankful we can pay the mortgage and all of our bills this month," "I'm thankful for my co-workers that are kind to me." I found that I could essentially find something to be thankful for in just about every situation. I may have to park on the roof of the parking structure because the rest of the lot is full, but it's a nice day so I'm going to appreciate a little time in the sunshine. I still find myself thanking God for beautiful days, close parking spaces when it's raining, an item I need being on sale, or waking up just in time on a day I forgot to set my alarm. I see those things as God's activity in the little things of my daily life, and if I choose to focus on them, I feel cared for, and know He is with me. Honestly, any little thing you can notice to be thankful for will pull your focus away from the negative and change your perspective to one that is more positive. Grateful people are peaceful people.
Finally, good ol' humor is incredibly powerful. Laughter really is the best medicine for a stormy mood. I personally love the old TV show Friends because I really cannot watch an episode without laughing no matter what mood I'm in. So if you are feeling frustrated, angry, or scared, try giving yourself a timeout and watching or listening to something that makes you laugh. Maybe you have a favorite comedy on DVD that you could watch, or simply look up Bill Cosby on YouTube and watch a few clips of stand-up comedy. Think about what consistently makes you laugh, and keep it on hand. I'm always amazed at how a little humorous distraction can get me out of a rut.
Here's a really short clip from Friends that brings a smile to my face. Feel free to leave a comment letting us know what makes you laugh. We could all use some fresh material to keep us chuckling!
Friends - Joey and Chandler
Friday, July 8, 2011
Auto-Thoughts Recap
"Automatic thoughts, the ideas that just pop into your head quickly, without effort, and with little or no awareness, happen thousands of times each day. When you are upset by something, automatic thoughts run through your head telling you how to view the situation." - excerpt from Never Good Enough by Monica Ramirez Basco, Ph.D.
At our last meeting we discussed the topic of auto-thoughts and how they influence our perception of situations, and consequently, our physical and emotional reactions to those situations. Auto-thoughts play a huge role in sweating the small stuff. The problem is, they really are automatic and ingrained, and therefore difficult to change. The first step in changing a thinking error is to recognize it. The following are 3 steps we discussed that will help us change negative auto-thoughts. These steps are taken from the book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.
1) Identify Detrimental Thoughts
"Start by looking at a problem,' or something causing you stress, 'and backing up to find its root." "Pay extra-close attention to any thought that contains the absolutist words, "must," "should," "shouldn't," "always," "never," "have to," and "ought," because they often play a part in distorted thinking."
Writing down what you are thinking when you are feeling stressed can help you identify the root thought, as can asking yourself, "What is really bothering me here?" Then follow the rabbit trail back to the root of what is really bothering you. This can take some digging!
2) Challenge Your Thoughts
Look at all negative auto-thoughts you identify and demand answers to all of the questions below that are applicable.
- Is this thought really true?
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- What is the evidence?
- Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?
- Am I catastrophizing - that is, thinking of a small problem as a huge catastrophe?
- How do I know it will happen?
- So what if it happens?
-Is it really as bad as it seems?
- Is it to my advantage to maintain this appraisal?
- Is there another way to look at the situation?
3) Restructure Your Thoughts
"Examine the thought closely. Take from it any truth and push aside the distortions. Then re-create the thought in a way that causes less stress."
Example: Change the thought from "I can't sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink." to "I prefer having the dishes done before I go to bed, but it's more important for me to sleep than to wash dishes."
I hope we are all able to identify a few of our biggest offenders. In the coming weeks we will work on tackling these together, and hopefully begin to experience some new found freedom in these areas!
~Heather
At our last meeting we discussed the topic of auto-thoughts and how they influence our perception of situations, and consequently, our physical and emotional reactions to those situations. Auto-thoughts play a huge role in sweating the small stuff. The problem is, they really are automatic and ingrained, and therefore difficult to change. The first step in changing a thinking error is to recognize it. The following are 3 steps we discussed that will help us change negative auto-thoughts. These steps are taken from the book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.
1) Identify Detrimental Thoughts
"Start by looking at a problem,' or something causing you stress, 'and backing up to find its root." "Pay extra-close attention to any thought that contains the absolutist words, "must," "should," "shouldn't," "always," "never," "have to," and "ought," because they often play a part in distorted thinking."
Writing down what you are thinking when you are feeling stressed can help you identify the root thought, as can asking yourself, "What is really bothering me here?" Then follow the rabbit trail back to the root of what is really bothering you. This can take some digging!
2) Challenge Your Thoughts
Look at all negative auto-thoughts you identify and demand answers to all of the questions below that are applicable.
- Is this thought really true?
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- What is the evidence?
- Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?
- Am I catastrophizing - that is, thinking of a small problem as a huge catastrophe?
- How do I know it will happen?
- So what if it happens?
-Is it really as bad as it seems?
- Is it to my advantage to maintain this appraisal?
- Is there another way to look at the situation?
3) Restructure Your Thoughts
"Examine the thought closely. Take from it any truth and push aside the distortions. Then re-create the thought in a way that causes less stress."
Example: Change the thought from "I can't sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink." to "I prefer having the dishes done before I go to bed, but it's more important for me to sleep than to wash dishes."
I hope we are all able to identify a few of our biggest offenders. In the coming weeks we will work on tackling these together, and hopefully begin to experience some new found freedom in these areas!
~Heather
Sunday, June 19, 2011
More Favorite Quotes...
Just for fun, here are a few more quotes I pulled off the internet about anxiety and worry. I could never read too many of these. They truly do help when my thoughts are getting off track!
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." -Leo Buscaglia
"Troubles are a lot like people; they grow bigger if you nurse them." - Unknown
"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." - Pat Schroeder
"Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow." - Swedish Proverb
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." Arthur Somers Roche
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due." William Ralph Inge
"Do not be afraid of tomorrow, for God is already there." - Unknown
"No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear." - George MacDonald
"There are two days in a week about which and upon which I never worry... Yesterday and Tomorrow." - Robert Jones Burdette
"Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear all three - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have." -Edward Everett Hale
"He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears." - Montaigne, Essays, 1588
"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." -Benjamin Franklin
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." -Leo Buscaglia
"Troubles are a lot like people; they grow bigger if you nurse them." - Unknown
"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." - Pat Schroeder
"Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow." - Swedish Proverb
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." Arthur Somers Roche
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due." William Ralph Inge
"Do not be afraid of tomorrow, for God is already there." - Unknown
"No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear." - George MacDonald
"There are two days in a week about which and upon which I never worry... Yesterday and Tomorrow." - Robert Jones Burdette
"Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear all three - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have." -Edward Everett Hale
"He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears." - Montaigne, Essays, 1588
"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." -Benjamin Franklin
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Power of the Word
The most powerful weapon against erroneous thoughts is scripture, "the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Eph 6:17). It is an essential part of our armor against all that attacks our minds. Jesus used it to combat temptation. Evil cannot stand against its power. In scripture we find truth to combat lies, we find promises to claim, we find hope to cling to, and we fan our faith which is our shield. There are countless scriptures that, when committed to memory, can come to our aid when our thoughts start running down a dark path. Here are just a few. If any really strike you, I challenge you to write them out and read them often until they become embedded in your mind. Then you will be able to retrieve them when you need them!
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Phil 4:6-8
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Phil 4:6-8
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Mental Pep Talks
I have this pesky tendency toward pessimism. I'm a worst case scenario kind of thinker, a worrier, and in general, an overly anxious and sensitive person. Needless to say, these tendencies cause me a great deal of stress, and I really don't enjoy the way that my mind works much of the time. My thoughts often lead to physical symptoms as well such as stomach problems and tension headaches.
My struggle to control my mind has been ongoing for many years. Over time, I have accumulated a few "tools" that help me to rein in the anxiety beast. The trick seems to be catching a thought before it runs away with me, and combating it with several truths that help put it into proper perspective. In some cases there is full on spiritual warfare going on, in others, I simply need to give myself a mental pep talk. I do believe that by inviting God into our thought struggles, we can literally "take every thought captive to the authority of Jesus Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) simply by commanding the thought to be captive to Him and asking God to bring that thought under His authority.
I'm going to share some of the mental pep talks I use in the hope that they may also be helpful to others. A lot of these stem from a single quote that rings true with me. When I find such a quote I memorize it (or a close approximation of it - no need for legalism, just function!), and when an applicable situation arises, I simply think of the quote until my perspective resets.
"The world will little note, nor long remember..."-Abraham Lincoln (Gettysburg Address)
I picked this one up from my dad. He says this all the time, specifically when I am stressing way too much about something that won't matter in the big scheme of life. When I was working, my department had reviews that needed to be completed every quarter. We were always in a tizzy at the end of a quarter; frantically worried that we wouldn't finish on time. I would be very stressed, and my dad would say to me, "The world will little note, nor long remember whether 2nd quarter 2009 was completed one week late. In 5 years, no one at the company will even remember or care." Very true!
Along this same line is a blurb from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson. "Almost every day I play a game with myself that I call "time warp." I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp,' all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, "Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be?" Once in a great while it may be - but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't. Whether it be an argument with your spouse, child, or boss, a mistake, a lost opportunity, a lost wallet, a work-related rejection, or a sprained ankle, chances are, a year from now you aren't going to care. It will be one more irrelevant detail in your life."
"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda."
My husband is to thank for this one. I tend to beat myself up over mistakes I've made, or things I wish I had done or said differently. His invariable response to my mental torture, is to shrug, and nonchalantly say, "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda." Basically, you can't change it, so let it go.
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."- Mark Twain
Think about that for a second..... How often do we put ourselves through the mental, emotional, and physical turmoil of what we fear, only to never end up facing it? Our minds and bodies take the real toll of a theoretical threat. It's pretty crazy that we do this to ourselves when you think about it. Jesus himself addresses this in the book of Matthew when He says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (6:34) and "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (6:27) Worrying about perceived threats has no value.
So when those anxious thoughts begin to creep in, take a deep breath, think about whether what you're tormenting yourself about really matters, and remember, most stuff is small stuff, so don't sweat it!
~Heather
My struggle to control my mind has been ongoing for many years. Over time, I have accumulated a few "tools" that help me to rein in the anxiety beast. The trick seems to be catching a thought before it runs away with me, and combating it with several truths that help put it into proper perspective. In some cases there is full on spiritual warfare going on, in others, I simply need to give myself a mental pep talk. I do believe that by inviting God into our thought struggles, we can literally "take every thought captive to the authority of Jesus Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) simply by commanding the thought to be captive to Him and asking God to bring that thought under His authority.
I'm going to share some of the mental pep talks I use in the hope that they may also be helpful to others. A lot of these stem from a single quote that rings true with me. When I find such a quote I memorize it (or a close approximation of it - no need for legalism, just function!), and when an applicable situation arises, I simply think of the quote until my perspective resets.
"The world will little note, nor long remember..."-Abraham Lincoln (Gettysburg Address)
I picked this one up from my dad. He says this all the time, specifically when I am stressing way too much about something that won't matter in the big scheme of life. When I was working, my department had reviews that needed to be completed every quarter. We were always in a tizzy at the end of a quarter; frantically worried that we wouldn't finish on time. I would be very stressed, and my dad would say to me, "The world will little note, nor long remember whether 2nd quarter 2009 was completed one week late. In 5 years, no one at the company will even remember or care." Very true!
Along this same line is a blurb from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson. "Almost every day I play a game with myself that I call "time warp." I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp,' all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, "Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be?" Once in a great while it may be - but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't. Whether it be an argument with your spouse, child, or boss, a mistake, a lost opportunity, a lost wallet, a work-related rejection, or a sprained ankle, chances are, a year from now you aren't going to care. It will be one more irrelevant detail in your life."
"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda."
My husband is to thank for this one. I tend to beat myself up over mistakes I've made, or things I wish I had done or said differently. His invariable response to my mental torture, is to shrug, and nonchalantly say, "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda." Basically, you can't change it, so let it go.
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."- Mark Twain
Think about that for a second..... How often do we put ourselves through the mental, emotional, and physical turmoil of what we fear, only to never end up facing it? Our minds and bodies take the real toll of a theoretical threat. It's pretty crazy that we do this to ourselves when you think about it. Jesus himself addresses this in the book of Matthew when He says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (6:34) and "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (6:27) Worrying about perceived threats has no value.
So when those anxious thoughts begin to creep in, take a deep breath, think about whether what you're tormenting yourself about really matters, and remember, most stuff is small stuff, so don't sweat it!
~Heather
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The “Real” Concept
At our first meeting, I laid out some ground rules for a successful group. One of those rules was being real with each other. In this first post, I wanted to elaborate a bit more on why being real is so important to our progress toward not sweating the small stuff.
To some degree, we are all wearing a mask, and these masks can be the root of all kinds of dysfunction and problems. However, these masks are not entirely evil, and to some extent they may even help our society to remain civilized and moral.
To be real or not to be real, that is the question.
Why is being real important?
To a large degree, sweating the small stuff stems from perfectionism and unrealistic expectations that always leave us feeling frustrated. We either set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, or we perceive others' expectations of us to be very high, and we are never quite able to live up to them, leaving us feeling anxious and inadequate. The root of the problem is that the expectations are unrealistic, but we believe that they are realistic.
Why do we believe it? I think masks have a lot to do with this. When people only show the put-together version of themselves, those around may actually believe that there is not a non-put-together version. Crazy, really, but we believe it. We believe the woman with the perfectly styled hair and pristine make-up that we see everyday at school drop-off looks beautiful all the time, so when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror at our bed head and dark circles, we feel inferior and just plain unacceptable.
I used to look at magazines and be frustrated that I couldn't make my house look as beautiful and organized as the ones in the photos. It was (and to some extent still is) my ideal, but a dangerous ideal indeed if I ever hope to be content with the life/home I have. Then one day I was looking at a picture of a gorgeous pantry, and I had a moment of lucidity. I noticed that there were several large groups of same items neatly lined up and stacked together, and all of the various products in the pantry had red labels. Hmmmm..... lightbulb moment! Sure this looks fabulous for a picture, but unless I am going to buy ridiculous quantities of only 7 different items, and feed my family nothing but Campbell's soup and Cheez-Its because their labels are the right color for my pantry decor scheme, then this beautifully coordinated and organized pantry will never be my reality. No one lives that way! This helped me to begin to dissect the photos that I enjoy so much, and I am getting better about separating fantasy created by professional staging from reality. A huge basket of onions on the bottom shelf of a kitchen island looks fabulous in a photo, but unless my home is doubling as a restaurant, using my money and storage space on three bushels of onions is not exactly practical. Let's be real. These examples sound painfully obvious in their lack of reality when spelled out in writing, but honestly, I almost missed these and "bought it" as someone's reality while quickly thumbing through the magazine. What I learned - Seeing reality takes intentionality.
This is where we can help each other, and ourselves, by being real. When others see our reality they can start to move toward more realistic expectations for themselves, and they can gain freedom from the fear of judgment for not being perfect. We can also help ourselves by taking those first steps toward realizing that the world isn't going to end because someone knows there are dust bunnies, several crayons, and a bowl's worth of Cheerios under the couch. You don't have to try to be something you're not because let's face it, maintaining a mask can be exhausting.
So what's the downside?
Everything's got to have a downside, right? I feel like we're going to get very tired of hearing the word "balance" in this group, but so many things in life truly boil down to balance. The other side of the mask debate is the risk of too much reality leading to a general acceptance of mediocrity, which in turn leads to apathy. Not too likely that any perfectionists are going to slip into this problem, but on a societal level, I can see where masks have a role. If everyone knew everyone else's full reality there could, I suppose, be the risk of a sense of "it's no big deal because everyone does it." So let's state the obvious here, when it comes to sin, it doesn't matter what anyone else's reality is, we should always be striving to overcome and to conquer our temptations and pitfalls. Christ truly is our model when it comes to areas of sin. Yes, He is perfect and we are not, and that is where grace comes to our rescue, but we should never cease trying to be our best and be more like Him.
The goal is not to stop caring or trying, just to be realistic with our expectations and standards - they can be high, but they have to be realistic and attainable without driving yourself and everyone else nuts!
Challenge/Journaling Topic
Spend some time thinking about where you are in terms of balance right now. What masks do you wear, when do you wear them, and why do you wear them? Is your mask serving you well, or wreaking havoc in your life?
Need help figuring out where you're at? Here's a few thoughts that might help....
When trying to live up to "your mask" motivates you or others to strive for attainable excellence, change bad habits, or flee from sin, then your mask may be serving you well and bringing about some good.
When trying to live up to "your mask" makes you feel depressed, self-loathing, or isolated, or harms your relationships with others (think harping on your family to appear perfect) then a dose of "real" would probably do you good.
What's one thing you can do to move toward a better balance in this area?
Finally, I want to share a link to another blogger's post that touches on this issue, and makes a pretty serious case for why being real and not obsessing about perfection is so critical.
The Disease Called Perfection
~Heather
To some degree, we are all wearing a mask, and these masks can be the root of all kinds of dysfunction and problems. However, these masks are not entirely evil, and to some extent they may even help our society to remain civilized and moral.
To be real or not to be real, that is the question.
Why is being real important?
To a large degree, sweating the small stuff stems from perfectionism and unrealistic expectations that always leave us feeling frustrated. We either set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, or we perceive others' expectations of us to be very high, and we are never quite able to live up to them, leaving us feeling anxious and inadequate. The root of the problem is that the expectations are unrealistic, but we believe that they are realistic.
Why do we believe it? I think masks have a lot to do with this. When people only show the put-together version of themselves, those around may actually believe that there is not a non-put-together version. Crazy, really, but we believe it. We believe the woman with the perfectly styled hair and pristine make-up that we see everyday at school drop-off looks beautiful all the time, so when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror at our bed head and dark circles, we feel inferior and just plain unacceptable.
I used to look at magazines and be frustrated that I couldn't make my house look as beautiful and organized as the ones in the photos. It was (and to some extent still is) my ideal, but a dangerous ideal indeed if I ever hope to be content with the life/home I have. Then one day I was looking at a picture of a gorgeous pantry, and I had a moment of lucidity. I noticed that there were several large groups of same items neatly lined up and stacked together, and all of the various products in the pantry had red labels. Hmmmm..... lightbulb moment! Sure this looks fabulous for a picture, but unless I am going to buy ridiculous quantities of only 7 different items, and feed my family nothing but Campbell's soup and Cheez-Its because their labels are the right color for my pantry decor scheme, then this beautifully coordinated and organized pantry will never be my reality. No one lives that way! This helped me to begin to dissect the photos that I enjoy so much, and I am getting better about separating fantasy created by professional staging from reality. A huge basket of onions on the bottom shelf of a kitchen island looks fabulous in a photo, but unless my home is doubling as a restaurant, using my money and storage space on three bushels of onions is not exactly practical. Let's be real. These examples sound painfully obvious in their lack of reality when spelled out in writing, but honestly, I almost missed these and "bought it" as someone's reality while quickly thumbing through the magazine. What I learned - Seeing reality takes intentionality.
This is where we can help each other, and ourselves, by being real. When others see our reality they can start to move toward more realistic expectations for themselves, and they can gain freedom from the fear of judgment for not being perfect. We can also help ourselves by taking those first steps toward realizing that the world isn't going to end because someone knows there are dust bunnies, several crayons, and a bowl's worth of Cheerios under the couch. You don't have to try to be something you're not because let's face it, maintaining a mask can be exhausting.
So what's the downside?
Everything's got to have a downside, right? I feel like we're going to get very tired of hearing the word "balance" in this group, but so many things in life truly boil down to balance. The other side of the mask debate is the risk of too much reality leading to a general acceptance of mediocrity, which in turn leads to apathy. Not too likely that any perfectionists are going to slip into this problem, but on a societal level, I can see where masks have a role. If everyone knew everyone else's full reality there could, I suppose, be the risk of a sense of "it's no big deal because everyone does it." So let's state the obvious here, when it comes to sin, it doesn't matter what anyone else's reality is, we should always be striving to overcome and to conquer our temptations and pitfalls. Christ truly is our model when it comes to areas of sin. Yes, He is perfect and we are not, and that is where grace comes to our rescue, but we should never cease trying to be our best and be more like Him.
The goal is not to stop caring or trying, just to be realistic with our expectations and standards - they can be high, but they have to be realistic and attainable without driving yourself and everyone else nuts!
Challenge/Journaling Topic
Spend some time thinking about where you are in terms of balance right now. What masks do you wear, when do you wear them, and why do you wear them? Is your mask serving you well, or wreaking havoc in your life?
Need help figuring out where you're at? Here's a few thoughts that might help....
When trying to live up to "your mask" motivates you or others to strive for attainable excellence, change bad habits, or flee from sin, then your mask may be serving you well and bringing about some good.
When trying to live up to "your mask" makes you feel depressed, self-loathing, or isolated, or harms your relationships with others (think harping on your family to appear perfect) then a dose of "real" would probably do you good.
What's one thing you can do to move toward a better balance in this area?
Finally, I want to share a link to another blogger's post that touches on this issue, and makes a pretty serious case for why being real and not obsessing about perfection is so critical.
The Disease Called Perfection
~Heather
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