At our first meeting, I laid out some ground rules for a successful group. One of those rules was being real with each other. In this first post, I wanted to elaborate a bit more on why being real is so important to our progress toward not sweating the small stuff.
To some degree, we are all wearing a mask, and these masks can be the root of all kinds of dysfunction and problems. However, these masks are not entirely evil, and to some extent they may even help our society to remain civilized and moral.
To be real or not to be real, that is the question.
Why is being real important?
To a large degree, sweating the small stuff stems from perfectionism and unrealistic expectations that always leave us feeling frustrated. We either set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, or we perceive others' expectations of us to be very high, and we are never quite able to live up to them, leaving us feeling anxious and inadequate. The root of the problem is that the expectations are unrealistic, but we believe that they are realistic.
Why do we believe it? I think masks have a lot to do with this. When people only show the put-together version of themselves, those around may actually believe that there is not a non-put-together version. Crazy, really, but we believe it. We believe the woman with the perfectly styled hair and pristine make-up that we see everyday at school drop-off looks beautiful all the time, so when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror at our bed head and dark circles, we feel inferior and just plain unacceptable.
I used to look at magazines and be frustrated that I couldn't make my house look as beautiful and organized as the ones in the photos. It was (and to some extent still is) my ideal, but a dangerous ideal indeed if I ever hope to be content with the life/home I have. Then one day I was looking at a picture of a gorgeous pantry, and I had a moment of lucidity. I noticed that there were several large groups of same items neatly lined up and stacked together, and all of the various products in the pantry had red labels. Hmmmm..... lightbulb moment! Sure this looks fabulous for a picture, but unless I am going to buy ridiculous quantities of only 7 different items, and feed my family nothing but Campbell's soup and Cheez-Its because their labels are the right color for my pantry decor scheme, then this beautifully coordinated and organized pantry will never be my reality. No one lives that way! This helped me to begin to dissect the photos that I enjoy so much, and I am getting better about separating fantasy created by professional staging from reality. A huge basket of onions on the bottom shelf of a kitchen island looks fabulous in a photo, but unless my home is doubling as a restaurant, using my money and storage space on three bushels of onions is not exactly practical. Let's be real. These examples sound painfully obvious in their lack of reality when spelled out in writing, but honestly, I almost missed these and "bought it" as someone's reality while quickly thumbing through the magazine. What I learned - Seeing reality takes intentionality.
This is where we can help each other, and ourselves, by being real. When others see our reality they can start to move toward more realistic expectations for themselves, and they can gain freedom from the fear of judgment for not being perfect. We can also help ourselves by taking those first steps toward realizing that the world isn't going to end because someone knows there are dust bunnies, several crayons, and a bowl's worth of Cheerios under the couch. You don't have to try to be something you're not because let's face it, maintaining a mask can be exhausting.
So what's the downside?
Everything's got to have a downside, right? I feel like we're going to get very tired of hearing the word "balance" in this group, but so many things in life truly boil down to balance. The other side of the mask debate is the risk of too much reality leading to a general acceptance of mediocrity, which in turn leads to apathy. Not too likely that any perfectionists are going to slip into this problem, but on a societal level, I can see where masks have a role. If everyone knew everyone else's full reality there could, I suppose, be the risk of a sense of "it's no big deal because everyone does it." So let's state the obvious here, when it comes to sin, it doesn't matter what anyone else's reality is, we should always be striving to overcome and to conquer our temptations and pitfalls. Christ truly is our model when it comes to areas of sin. Yes, He is perfect and we are not, and that is where grace comes to our rescue, but we should never cease trying to be our best and be more like Him.
The goal is not to stop caring or trying, just to be realistic with our expectations and standards - they can be high, but they have to be realistic and attainable without driving yourself and everyone else nuts!
Challenge/Journaling Topic
Spend some time thinking about where you are in terms of balance right now. What masks do you wear, when do you wear them, and why do you wear them? Is your mask serving you well, or wreaking havoc in your life?
Need help figuring out where you're at? Here's a few thoughts that might help....
When trying to live up to "your mask" motivates you or others to strive for attainable excellence, change bad habits, or flee from sin, then your mask may be serving you well and bringing about some good.
When trying to live up to "your mask" makes you feel depressed, self-loathing, or isolated, or harms your relationships with others (think harping on your family to appear perfect) then a dose of "real" would probably do you good.
What's one thing you can do to move toward a better balance in this area?
Finally, I want to share a link to another blogger's post that touches on this issue, and makes a pretty serious case for why being real and not obsessing about perfection is so critical.
The Disease Called Perfection
~Heather
