I realized recently that I have a handful of friends that I really love being around. They lift my mood when I am with them. I started to ask myself why. What is it about these people that makes me like them so much? It didn't take long for me to put my finger on the fact that they are all optimists, they smile and laugh a lot, they roll with the punches, in short, they are fun! The amazing thing to me is that they manage to be this way without being disingenuous. Sure they have bad days and run into just as many daily frustrations as the next person, but they don't overly focus on these aspects, and even when they do talk about a speed bump in their day, they can usually laugh about it or see the silver lining. They don't fake happiness and pretend everything is perfect all of the time, but their attitude in facing hardships is positive and they are generally content with their lives.
Ever noticed there are people in your life who decrease your stress load and others who contribute to it? I sometimes call this anxiety dumping. It's a term I created to describe when someone who is really anxious or stressed about something talks/complains/worries a whole bunch about it to me until I inevitably pick up some of their anxiety and stress. I'm not talking about carrying each others' burdens and being a shoulder for someone, I'm talking about completely unproductive "misery loves company," "I just blech all over you" kind of thing. Unfortunately it is nearly impossible for me not to be stressed when the people around me are stressed. It's the downside of being a sensitive person with anxious tendencies.
I'm sad to say that I have often been guilty of anxiety dumping myself. I've also given way too much power to the little frustrations in my life by focusing on them and making them the topic of my conversations. There are a lot of things I would like to change about myself, but greatly decreasing the amount that I complain is high on the list.
So if I want to complain less, why do I do it in the first place? I've thought about this a lot. I think most of us, myself included, have somehow bought the lie that griping and complaining are a bonding experience where we commiserate with others. Sometimes I think I am looking for softness and sympathy from others about all I have to deal with each day. Finally, sometimes it almost feels like a competition to see whose life or day is hardest. I know I see this in my marriage where we each share all of the day's frustrations and then say something like, "I think you should have to put the kids to bed because I've already changed 7 poopy diapers today and dealt with 5 full-blown toddler meltdowns, spilled milk, and a box of cereal being dumped on the floor!" The problem is, as I'm keeping track of every little frustration with the intent to tell someone about it later or post about it on Facebook, I've already blown it out of proportion and worked myself up about it more than it deserves. Instead of seeing poopy diapers and meltdowns as a natural part of the joyful job of parenting a cute, little blessing, I change the filter through which I see my life and see everything as a huge hassle and a heavy burden.
Here's a recent example from my own household. My son is starting to potty train and he likes to watch things go down the toilet. He has twice now stuck his head in the toilet to the point where he got his hair wet! I hope you're laughing because it really is pretty funny. I had two completely different reactions the two times this has happened. I told people about it each time. Here is roughly what I said. "You won't believe what he did today! He stuck his head in the toilet trying to see the potty go bye-bye and got his hair wet (laughing)! Ah, the joys of parenting (said lightheartedly)." The second time it happened I was already frustrated and my reaction sounded more like this, "Grrrr...This kid is driving me freakin' nuts! He just stuck his head in the toilet A-GAIN! Why do kids have to be germ magnets? Knowing my luck he'll get sick now!" Feel the difference? Same thing happened, and I shared it with others each time. However, the first version leaves the listener (and me) with a completely different emotional experience from the conversation. I'd like to be the better version of myself on a more regular basis!
So what keeps us from changing? First off, HABIT! Oh how those bad habits are hard to change! I've also noticed that I'm afraid I'll seem obnoxious or fake to people if I were actually positive and upbeat most of the time. Lastly, I'm worried I wouldn't have anything to talk about! Sounds ridiculous, but honestly I for some reason believe that the insignificant hardships in my life can be played up to make my life sound full and interesting. What I need to remember is the truth of my experience. Authentic, positive, content people are the ones I want to be around, not the ones who are always frustrated and complaining. Complaining is the adult equivalent of whining. When people complain to me or I complain to them, I inevitably feel drained. Complain. Drain. Convenient that they rhyme, isn't it?!
One of the best ways to learn anything new is by close observation and imitation. If this can be true for other skills like cooking, dancing, athletics, etc, then there's no reason it can't work for improving the way we think and interact. Think of one person in your life who is a ray of sunshine. Next time you are with them, study them and try to pick up on the little nuances in how they filter what happens in their life, how they communicate it to others, how they support or interact with others. Try to find something you can mimic and practice it. Surround yourself as much as possible with the people in your life who lift you up, and minimize time with anyone who is toxic and negative. Attitudes are contagious!
Journaling Ideas and Things to Think About:
-What do you complain about? Start paying attention. Most likely the areas where you complain are areas where you are sweating the small stuff. What is one way you could change your thinking, actions, or attitude in these areas?
-What kind of friend are you - someone who drains and burdens people or someone who helps them be more positive? Would you want to be your friend? How can you be a better friend/spouse/parent? Think of one way you interact that you want to change and go to work!
-If you can't think of other topics of conversation besides complaining, maybe you need more in your life, not less. Think about whether you could take up a new positive activity even with a small time commitment. Read a book, start a new hobby or sport, volunteer/serve in some way. All of these things will give you more experiences in your life and therefore more things to talk about.
-Can you pinpoint any negative consequences you've experienced as a result of complaining? Are people reluctant to watch your kids because you complain about their behavior? Has griping or complaining negatively impacted you professionally in some way? Are you less patient with your loved ones because you complain mentally to yourself about their habits and increase your own frustration level? Being honest with yourself about the impact complaining really has on your relationships can be the best motivation for change!
-I've shared this verse before, but I can never get too many reminders of this one! Post this someplace where you'll see it several times each day and every time you look at it, choose to see the good and the blessings in your life.
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Attitude of Gratitude and The Power of Laughter
Whenever I am feeling particularly negative, stressed, overwhelmed, irrationally scared, easily annoyed, and just plain in a slump of a dump, I find that the cycle is hard to break unless I do something to purposefully interrupt it and to lighten my mood. There are several ways to do this. For more serious issues, I find the techniques discussed in earlier posts of using Bible verses and quotes to be very helpful. Sometimes, however, I just need to blow the storm cloud from over my head, and for that, I find that having an attitude of gratitude or the distraction of humor to be particularly helpful.
Let's start with the "attitude of gratitude." This is actually discussed in several of the books I have referenced for our study, and that's because it works! Years ago I was working in a job that I would describe as low paying, inconsistent, and "a trained monkey could do it." Clearly, there was frustration a-brewin' just based on those descriptions. My car was starting to leak transmission fluid, but I couldn't afford to replace it because... I didn't make enough money at my lousy job. You get the idea. I quickly got into a very negative cycle of grumbling and complaining, being easily annoyed, and focusing on the negative. Thankfully, I started reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff and some of the entries really addressed the idea of being thankful and focusing on the positive. I started to make being thankful my focus, and I cannot even tell you the difference it made in my level of happiness and contentment, and how it changed my whole outlook on life.
Instead of lamenting all of the bad aspects of my job, my car, etc. I started to replace those thoughts with others such as, "I'm thankful that I have a car to drive that gets me to and from work," "I'm thankful that I have money to put gas in the tank," "I'm thankful we can pay the mortgage and all of our bills this month," "I'm thankful for my co-workers that are kind to me." I found that I could essentially find something to be thankful for in just about every situation. I may have to park on the roof of the parking structure because the rest of the lot is full, but it's a nice day so I'm going to appreciate a little time in the sunshine. I still find myself thanking God for beautiful days, close parking spaces when it's raining, an item I need being on sale, or waking up just in time on a day I forgot to set my alarm. I see those things as God's activity in the little things of my daily life, and if I choose to focus on them, I feel cared for, and know He is with me. Honestly, any little thing you can notice to be thankful for will pull your focus away from the negative and change your perspective to one that is more positive. Grateful people are peaceful people.
Finally, good ol' humor is incredibly powerful. Laughter really is the best medicine for a stormy mood. I personally love the old TV show Friends because I really cannot watch an episode without laughing no matter what mood I'm in. So if you are feeling frustrated, angry, or scared, try giving yourself a timeout and watching or listening to something that makes you laugh. Maybe you have a favorite comedy on DVD that you could watch, or simply look up Bill Cosby on YouTube and watch a few clips of stand-up comedy. Think about what consistently makes you laugh, and keep it on hand. I'm always amazed at how a little humorous distraction can get me out of a rut.
Here's a really short clip from Friends that brings a smile to my face. Feel free to leave a comment letting us know what makes you laugh. We could all use some fresh material to keep us chuckling!
Friends - Joey and Chandler
Let's start with the "attitude of gratitude." This is actually discussed in several of the books I have referenced for our study, and that's because it works! Years ago I was working in a job that I would describe as low paying, inconsistent, and "a trained monkey could do it." Clearly, there was frustration a-brewin' just based on those descriptions. My car was starting to leak transmission fluid, but I couldn't afford to replace it because... I didn't make enough money at my lousy job. You get the idea. I quickly got into a very negative cycle of grumbling and complaining, being easily annoyed, and focusing on the negative. Thankfully, I started reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff and some of the entries really addressed the idea of being thankful and focusing on the positive. I started to make being thankful my focus, and I cannot even tell you the difference it made in my level of happiness and contentment, and how it changed my whole outlook on life.
Instead of lamenting all of the bad aspects of my job, my car, etc. I started to replace those thoughts with others such as, "I'm thankful that I have a car to drive that gets me to and from work," "I'm thankful that I have money to put gas in the tank," "I'm thankful we can pay the mortgage and all of our bills this month," "I'm thankful for my co-workers that are kind to me." I found that I could essentially find something to be thankful for in just about every situation. I may have to park on the roof of the parking structure because the rest of the lot is full, but it's a nice day so I'm going to appreciate a little time in the sunshine. I still find myself thanking God for beautiful days, close parking spaces when it's raining, an item I need being on sale, or waking up just in time on a day I forgot to set my alarm. I see those things as God's activity in the little things of my daily life, and if I choose to focus on them, I feel cared for, and know He is with me. Honestly, any little thing you can notice to be thankful for will pull your focus away from the negative and change your perspective to one that is more positive. Grateful people are peaceful people.
Finally, good ol' humor is incredibly powerful. Laughter really is the best medicine for a stormy mood. I personally love the old TV show Friends because I really cannot watch an episode without laughing no matter what mood I'm in. So if you are feeling frustrated, angry, or scared, try giving yourself a timeout and watching or listening to something that makes you laugh. Maybe you have a favorite comedy on DVD that you could watch, or simply look up Bill Cosby on YouTube and watch a few clips of stand-up comedy. Think about what consistently makes you laugh, and keep it on hand. I'm always amazed at how a little humorous distraction can get me out of a rut.
Here's a really short clip from Friends that brings a smile to my face. Feel free to leave a comment letting us know what makes you laugh. We could all use some fresh material to keep us chuckling!
Friends - Joey and Chandler
Friday, July 8, 2011
Auto-Thoughts Recap
"Automatic thoughts, the ideas that just pop into your head quickly, without effort, and with little or no awareness, happen thousands of times each day. When you are upset by something, automatic thoughts run through your head telling you how to view the situation." - excerpt from Never Good Enough by Monica Ramirez Basco, Ph.D.
At our last meeting we discussed the topic of auto-thoughts and how they influence our perception of situations, and consequently, our physical and emotional reactions to those situations. Auto-thoughts play a huge role in sweating the small stuff. The problem is, they really are automatic and ingrained, and therefore difficult to change. The first step in changing a thinking error is to recognize it. The following are 3 steps we discussed that will help us change negative auto-thoughts. These steps are taken from the book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.
1) Identify Detrimental Thoughts
"Start by looking at a problem,' or something causing you stress, 'and backing up to find its root." "Pay extra-close attention to any thought that contains the absolutist words, "must," "should," "shouldn't," "always," "never," "have to," and "ought," because they often play a part in distorted thinking."
Writing down what you are thinking when you are feeling stressed can help you identify the root thought, as can asking yourself, "What is really bothering me here?" Then follow the rabbit trail back to the root of what is really bothering you. This can take some digging!
2) Challenge Your Thoughts
Look at all negative auto-thoughts you identify and demand answers to all of the questions below that are applicable.
- Is this thought really true?
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- What is the evidence?
- Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?
- Am I catastrophizing - that is, thinking of a small problem as a huge catastrophe?
- How do I know it will happen?
- So what if it happens?
-Is it really as bad as it seems?
- Is it to my advantage to maintain this appraisal?
- Is there another way to look at the situation?
3) Restructure Your Thoughts
"Examine the thought closely. Take from it any truth and push aside the distortions. Then re-create the thought in a way that causes less stress."
Example: Change the thought from "I can't sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink." to "I prefer having the dishes done before I go to bed, but it's more important for me to sleep than to wash dishes."
I hope we are all able to identify a few of our biggest offenders. In the coming weeks we will work on tackling these together, and hopefully begin to experience some new found freedom in these areas!
~Heather
At our last meeting we discussed the topic of auto-thoughts and how they influence our perception of situations, and consequently, our physical and emotional reactions to those situations. Auto-thoughts play a huge role in sweating the small stuff. The problem is, they really are automatic and ingrained, and therefore difficult to change. The first step in changing a thinking error is to recognize it. The following are 3 steps we discussed that will help us change negative auto-thoughts. These steps are taken from the book, Be Happy Without Being Perfect by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.
1) Identify Detrimental Thoughts
"Start by looking at a problem,' or something causing you stress, 'and backing up to find its root." "Pay extra-close attention to any thought that contains the absolutist words, "must," "should," "shouldn't," "always," "never," "have to," and "ought," because they often play a part in distorted thinking."
Writing down what you are thinking when you are feeling stressed can help you identify the root thought, as can asking yourself, "What is really bothering me here?" Then follow the rabbit trail back to the root of what is really bothering you. This can take some digging!
2) Challenge Your Thoughts
Look at all negative auto-thoughts you identify and demand answers to all of the questions below that are applicable.
- Is this thought really true?
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- What is the evidence?
- Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?
- Am I catastrophizing - that is, thinking of a small problem as a huge catastrophe?
- How do I know it will happen?
- So what if it happens?
-Is it really as bad as it seems?
- Is it to my advantage to maintain this appraisal?
- Is there another way to look at the situation?
3) Restructure Your Thoughts
"Examine the thought closely. Take from it any truth and push aside the distortions. Then re-create the thought in a way that causes less stress."
Example: Change the thought from "I can't sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink." to "I prefer having the dishes done before I go to bed, but it's more important for me to sleep than to wash dishes."
I hope we are all able to identify a few of our biggest offenders. In the coming weeks we will work on tackling these together, and hopefully begin to experience some new found freedom in these areas!
~Heather
Sunday, June 19, 2011
More Favorite Quotes...
Just for fun, here are a few more quotes I pulled off the internet about anxiety and worry. I could never read too many of these. They truly do help when my thoughts are getting off track!
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." -Leo Buscaglia
"Troubles are a lot like people; they grow bigger if you nurse them." - Unknown
"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." - Pat Schroeder
"Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow." - Swedish Proverb
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." Arthur Somers Roche
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due." William Ralph Inge
"Do not be afraid of tomorrow, for God is already there." - Unknown
"No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear." - George MacDonald
"There are two days in a week about which and upon which I never worry... Yesterday and Tomorrow." - Robert Jones Burdette
"Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear all three - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have." -Edward Everett Hale
"He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears." - Montaigne, Essays, 1588
"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." -Benjamin Franklin
"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." -Leo Buscaglia
"Troubles are a lot like people; they grow bigger if you nurse them." - Unknown
"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." - Pat Schroeder
"Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow." - Swedish Proverb
"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." Arthur Somers Roche
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due." William Ralph Inge
"Do not be afraid of tomorrow, for God is already there." - Unknown
"No man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear." - George MacDonald
"There are two days in a week about which and upon which I never worry... Yesterday and Tomorrow." - Robert Jones Burdette
"Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear all three - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have." -Edward Everett Hale
"He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears." - Montaigne, Essays, 1588
"Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." -Benjamin Franklin
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Power of the Word
The most powerful weapon against erroneous thoughts is scripture, "the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." (Eph 6:17). It is an essential part of our armor against all that attacks our minds. Jesus used it to combat temptation. Evil cannot stand against its power. In scripture we find truth to combat lies, we find promises to claim, we find hope to cling to, and we fan our faith which is our shield. There are countless scriptures that, when committed to memory, can come to our aid when our thoughts start running down a dark path. Here are just a few. If any really strike you, I challenge you to write them out and read them often until they become embedded in your mind. Then you will be able to retrieve them when you need them!
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Phil 4:6-8
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Phil 4:6-8
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7
"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Mental Pep Talks
I have this pesky tendency toward pessimism. I'm a worst case scenario kind of thinker, a worrier, and in general, an overly anxious and sensitive person. Needless to say, these tendencies cause me a great deal of stress, and I really don't enjoy the way that my mind works much of the time. My thoughts often lead to physical symptoms as well such as stomach problems and tension headaches.
My struggle to control my mind has been ongoing for many years. Over time, I have accumulated a few "tools" that help me to rein in the anxiety beast. The trick seems to be catching a thought before it runs away with me, and combating it with several truths that help put it into proper perspective. In some cases there is full on spiritual warfare going on, in others, I simply need to give myself a mental pep talk. I do believe that by inviting God into our thought struggles, we can literally "take every thought captive to the authority of Jesus Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) simply by commanding the thought to be captive to Him and asking God to bring that thought under His authority.
I'm going to share some of the mental pep talks I use in the hope that they may also be helpful to others. A lot of these stem from a single quote that rings true with me. When I find such a quote I memorize it (or a close approximation of it - no need for legalism, just function!), and when an applicable situation arises, I simply think of the quote until my perspective resets.
"The world will little note, nor long remember..."-Abraham Lincoln (Gettysburg Address)
I picked this one up from my dad. He says this all the time, specifically when I am stressing way too much about something that won't matter in the big scheme of life. When I was working, my department had reviews that needed to be completed every quarter. We were always in a tizzy at the end of a quarter; frantically worried that we wouldn't finish on time. I would be very stressed, and my dad would say to me, "The world will little note, nor long remember whether 2nd quarter 2009 was completed one week late. In 5 years, no one at the company will even remember or care." Very true!
Along this same line is a blurb from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson. "Almost every day I play a game with myself that I call "time warp." I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp,' all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, "Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be?" Once in a great while it may be - but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't. Whether it be an argument with your spouse, child, or boss, a mistake, a lost opportunity, a lost wallet, a work-related rejection, or a sprained ankle, chances are, a year from now you aren't going to care. It will be one more irrelevant detail in your life."
"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda."
My husband is to thank for this one. I tend to beat myself up over mistakes I've made, or things I wish I had done or said differently. His invariable response to my mental torture, is to shrug, and nonchalantly say, "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda." Basically, you can't change it, so let it go.
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."- Mark Twain
Think about that for a second..... How often do we put ourselves through the mental, emotional, and physical turmoil of what we fear, only to never end up facing it? Our minds and bodies take the real toll of a theoretical threat. It's pretty crazy that we do this to ourselves when you think about it. Jesus himself addresses this in the book of Matthew when He says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (6:34) and "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (6:27) Worrying about perceived threats has no value.
So when those anxious thoughts begin to creep in, take a deep breath, think about whether what you're tormenting yourself about really matters, and remember, most stuff is small stuff, so don't sweat it!
~Heather
My struggle to control my mind has been ongoing for many years. Over time, I have accumulated a few "tools" that help me to rein in the anxiety beast. The trick seems to be catching a thought before it runs away with me, and combating it with several truths that help put it into proper perspective. In some cases there is full on spiritual warfare going on, in others, I simply need to give myself a mental pep talk. I do believe that by inviting God into our thought struggles, we can literally "take every thought captive to the authority of Jesus Christ" (2 Cor 10:5) simply by commanding the thought to be captive to Him and asking God to bring that thought under His authority.
I'm going to share some of the mental pep talks I use in the hope that they may also be helpful to others. A lot of these stem from a single quote that rings true with me. When I find such a quote I memorize it (or a close approximation of it - no need for legalism, just function!), and when an applicable situation arises, I simply think of the quote until my perspective resets.
"The world will little note, nor long remember..."-Abraham Lincoln (Gettysburg Address)
I picked this one up from my dad. He says this all the time, specifically when I am stressing way too much about something that won't matter in the big scheme of life. When I was working, my department had reviews that needed to be completed every quarter. We were always in a tizzy at the end of a quarter; frantically worried that we wouldn't finish on time. I would be very stressed, and my dad would say to me, "The world will little note, nor long remember whether 2nd quarter 2009 was completed one week late. In 5 years, no one at the company will even remember or care." Very true!
Along this same line is a blurb from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff by Richard Carlson. "Almost every day I play a game with myself that I call "time warp." I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp,' all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, "Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be?" Once in a great while it may be - but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't. Whether it be an argument with your spouse, child, or boss, a mistake, a lost opportunity, a lost wallet, a work-related rejection, or a sprained ankle, chances are, a year from now you aren't going to care. It will be one more irrelevant detail in your life."
"Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda."
My husband is to thank for this one. I tend to beat myself up over mistakes I've made, or things I wish I had done or said differently. His invariable response to my mental torture, is to shrug, and nonchalantly say, "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda." Basically, you can't change it, so let it go.
"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."- Mark Twain
Think about that for a second..... How often do we put ourselves through the mental, emotional, and physical turmoil of what we fear, only to never end up facing it? Our minds and bodies take the real toll of a theoretical threat. It's pretty crazy that we do this to ourselves when you think about it. Jesus himself addresses this in the book of Matthew when He says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (6:34) and "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (6:27) Worrying about perceived threats has no value.
So when those anxious thoughts begin to creep in, take a deep breath, think about whether what you're tormenting yourself about really matters, and remember, most stuff is small stuff, so don't sweat it!
~Heather
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The “Real” Concept
At our first meeting, I laid out some ground rules for a successful group. One of those rules was being real with each other. In this first post, I wanted to elaborate a bit more on why being real is so important to our progress toward not sweating the small stuff.
To some degree, we are all wearing a mask, and these masks can be the root of all kinds of dysfunction and problems. However, these masks are not entirely evil, and to some extent they may even help our society to remain civilized and moral.
To be real or not to be real, that is the question.
Why is being real important?
To a large degree, sweating the small stuff stems from perfectionism and unrealistic expectations that always leave us feeling frustrated. We either set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, or we perceive others' expectations of us to be very high, and we are never quite able to live up to them, leaving us feeling anxious and inadequate. The root of the problem is that the expectations are unrealistic, but we believe that they are realistic.
Why do we believe it? I think masks have a lot to do with this. When people only show the put-together version of themselves, those around may actually believe that there is not a non-put-together version. Crazy, really, but we believe it. We believe the woman with the perfectly styled hair and pristine make-up that we see everyday at school drop-off looks beautiful all the time, so when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror at our bed head and dark circles, we feel inferior and just plain unacceptable.
I used to look at magazines and be frustrated that I couldn't make my house look as beautiful and organized as the ones in the photos. It was (and to some extent still is) my ideal, but a dangerous ideal indeed if I ever hope to be content with the life/home I have. Then one day I was looking at a picture of a gorgeous pantry, and I had a moment of lucidity. I noticed that there were several large groups of same items neatly lined up and stacked together, and all of the various products in the pantry had red labels. Hmmmm..... lightbulb moment! Sure this looks fabulous for a picture, but unless I am going to buy ridiculous quantities of only 7 different items, and feed my family nothing but Campbell's soup and Cheez-Its because their labels are the right color for my pantry decor scheme, then this beautifully coordinated and organized pantry will never be my reality. No one lives that way! This helped me to begin to dissect the photos that I enjoy so much, and I am getting better about separating fantasy created by professional staging from reality. A huge basket of onions on the bottom shelf of a kitchen island looks fabulous in a photo, but unless my home is doubling as a restaurant, using my money and storage space on three bushels of onions is not exactly practical. Let's be real. These examples sound painfully obvious in their lack of reality when spelled out in writing, but honestly, I almost missed these and "bought it" as someone's reality while quickly thumbing through the magazine. What I learned - Seeing reality takes intentionality.
This is where we can help each other, and ourselves, by being real. When others see our reality they can start to move toward more realistic expectations for themselves, and they can gain freedom from the fear of judgment for not being perfect. We can also help ourselves by taking those first steps toward realizing that the world isn't going to end because someone knows there are dust bunnies, several crayons, and a bowl's worth of Cheerios under the couch. You don't have to try to be something you're not because let's face it, maintaining a mask can be exhausting.
So what's the downside?
Everything's got to have a downside, right? I feel like we're going to get very tired of hearing the word "balance" in this group, but so many things in life truly boil down to balance. The other side of the mask debate is the risk of too much reality leading to a general acceptance of mediocrity, which in turn leads to apathy. Not too likely that any perfectionists are going to slip into this problem, but on a societal level, I can see where masks have a role. If everyone knew everyone else's full reality there could, I suppose, be the risk of a sense of "it's no big deal because everyone does it." So let's state the obvious here, when it comes to sin, it doesn't matter what anyone else's reality is, we should always be striving to overcome and to conquer our temptations and pitfalls. Christ truly is our model when it comes to areas of sin. Yes, He is perfect and we are not, and that is where grace comes to our rescue, but we should never cease trying to be our best and be more like Him.
The goal is not to stop caring or trying, just to be realistic with our expectations and standards - they can be high, but they have to be realistic and attainable without driving yourself and everyone else nuts!
Challenge/Journaling Topic
Spend some time thinking about where you are in terms of balance right now. What masks do you wear, when do you wear them, and why do you wear them? Is your mask serving you well, or wreaking havoc in your life?
Need help figuring out where you're at? Here's a few thoughts that might help....
When trying to live up to "your mask" motivates you or others to strive for attainable excellence, change bad habits, or flee from sin, then your mask may be serving you well and bringing about some good.
When trying to live up to "your mask" makes you feel depressed, self-loathing, or isolated, or harms your relationships with others (think harping on your family to appear perfect) then a dose of "real" would probably do you good.
What's one thing you can do to move toward a better balance in this area?
Finally, I want to share a link to another blogger's post that touches on this issue, and makes a pretty serious case for why being real and not obsessing about perfection is so critical.
The Disease Called Perfection
~Heather
To some degree, we are all wearing a mask, and these masks can be the root of all kinds of dysfunction and problems. However, these masks are not entirely evil, and to some extent they may even help our society to remain civilized and moral.
To be real or not to be real, that is the question.
Why is being real important?
To a large degree, sweating the small stuff stems from perfectionism and unrealistic expectations that always leave us feeling frustrated. We either set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, or we perceive others' expectations of us to be very high, and we are never quite able to live up to them, leaving us feeling anxious and inadequate. The root of the problem is that the expectations are unrealistic, but we believe that they are realistic.
Why do we believe it? I think masks have a lot to do with this. When people only show the put-together version of themselves, those around may actually believe that there is not a non-put-together version. Crazy, really, but we believe it. We believe the woman with the perfectly styled hair and pristine make-up that we see everyday at school drop-off looks beautiful all the time, so when we wake up in the morning and look in the mirror at our bed head and dark circles, we feel inferior and just plain unacceptable.
I used to look at magazines and be frustrated that I couldn't make my house look as beautiful and organized as the ones in the photos. It was (and to some extent still is) my ideal, but a dangerous ideal indeed if I ever hope to be content with the life/home I have. Then one day I was looking at a picture of a gorgeous pantry, and I had a moment of lucidity. I noticed that there were several large groups of same items neatly lined up and stacked together, and all of the various products in the pantry had red labels. Hmmmm..... lightbulb moment! Sure this looks fabulous for a picture, but unless I am going to buy ridiculous quantities of only 7 different items, and feed my family nothing but Campbell's soup and Cheez-Its because their labels are the right color for my pantry decor scheme, then this beautifully coordinated and organized pantry will never be my reality. No one lives that way! This helped me to begin to dissect the photos that I enjoy so much, and I am getting better about separating fantasy created by professional staging from reality. A huge basket of onions on the bottom shelf of a kitchen island looks fabulous in a photo, but unless my home is doubling as a restaurant, using my money and storage space on three bushels of onions is not exactly practical. Let's be real. These examples sound painfully obvious in their lack of reality when spelled out in writing, but honestly, I almost missed these and "bought it" as someone's reality while quickly thumbing through the magazine. What I learned - Seeing reality takes intentionality.
This is where we can help each other, and ourselves, by being real. When others see our reality they can start to move toward more realistic expectations for themselves, and they can gain freedom from the fear of judgment for not being perfect. We can also help ourselves by taking those first steps toward realizing that the world isn't going to end because someone knows there are dust bunnies, several crayons, and a bowl's worth of Cheerios under the couch. You don't have to try to be something you're not because let's face it, maintaining a mask can be exhausting.
So what's the downside?
Everything's got to have a downside, right? I feel like we're going to get very tired of hearing the word "balance" in this group, but so many things in life truly boil down to balance. The other side of the mask debate is the risk of too much reality leading to a general acceptance of mediocrity, which in turn leads to apathy. Not too likely that any perfectionists are going to slip into this problem, but on a societal level, I can see where masks have a role. If everyone knew everyone else's full reality there could, I suppose, be the risk of a sense of "it's no big deal because everyone does it." So let's state the obvious here, when it comes to sin, it doesn't matter what anyone else's reality is, we should always be striving to overcome and to conquer our temptations and pitfalls. Christ truly is our model when it comes to areas of sin. Yes, He is perfect and we are not, and that is where grace comes to our rescue, but we should never cease trying to be our best and be more like Him.
The goal is not to stop caring or trying, just to be realistic with our expectations and standards - they can be high, but they have to be realistic and attainable without driving yourself and everyone else nuts!
Challenge/Journaling Topic
Spend some time thinking about where you are in terms of balance right now. What masks do you wear, when do you wear them, and why do you wear them? Is your mask serving you well, or wreaking havoc in your life?
Need help figuring out where you're at? Here's a few thoughts that might help....
When trying to live up to "your mask" motivates you or others to strive for attainable excellence, change bad habits, or flee from sin, then your mask may be serving you well and bringing about some good.
When trying to live up to "your mask" makes you feel depressed, self-loathing, or isolated, or harms your relationships with others (think harping on your family to appear perfect) then a dose of "real" would probably do you good.
What's one thing you can do to move toward a better balance in this area?
Finally, I want to share a link to another blogger's post that touches on this issue, and makes a pretty serious case for why being real and not obsessing about perfection is so critical.
The Disease Called Perfection
~Heather
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