What Do You Complain About?

I realized recently that I have a handful of friends that I really love being around. They lift my mood when I am with them. I started to ask myself why. What is it about these people that makes me like them so much? It didn't take long for me to put my finger on the fact that they are all optimists, they smile and laugh a lot, they roll with the punches, in short, they are fun! The amazing thing to me is that they manage to be this way without being disingenuous. Sure they have bad days and run into just as many daily frustrations as the next person, but they don't overly focus on these aspects, and even when they do talk about a speed bump in their day, they can usually laugh about it or see the silver lining. They don't fake happiness and pretend everything is perfect all of the time, but their attitude in facing hardships is positive and they are generally content with their lives.

Ever noticed there are people in your life who decrease your stress load and others who contribute to it? I sometimes call this anxiety dumping. It's a term I created to describe when someone who is really anxious or stressed about something talks/complains/worries a whole bunch about it to me until I inevitably pick up some of their anxiety and stress. I'm not talking about carrying each others' burdens and being a shoulder for someone, I'm talking about completely unproductive "misery loves company," "I just blech all over you" kind of thing. Unfortunately it is nearly impossible for me not to be stressed when the people around me are stressed. It's the downside of being a sensitive person with anxious tendencies. 

I'm sad to say that I have often been guilty of anxiety dumping myself. I've also given way too much power to the little frustrations in my life by focusing on them and making them the topic of my conversations. There are a lot of things I would like to change about myself, but greatly decreasing the amount that I complain is high on the list.

So if I want to complain less, why do I do it in the first place? I've thought about this a lot. I think most of us, myself included, have somehow bought the lie that griping and complaining are a bonding experience where we commiserate with others. Sometimes I think I am looking for softness and sympathy from others about all I have to deal with each day. Finally, sometimes it almost feels like a competition to see whose life or day is hardest. I know I see this in my marriage where we each share all of the day's frustrations and then say something like, "I think you should have to put the kids to bed because I've already changed 7 poopy diapers today and dealt with 5 full-blown toddler meltdowns, spilled milk, and a box of cereal being dumped on the floor!" The problem is, as I'm keeping track of every little frustration with the intent to tell someone about it later or post about it on Facebook, I've already blown it out of proportion and worked myself up about it more than it deserves. Instead of seeing poopy diapers and meltdowns as a natural part of the joyful job of parenting a cute, little blessing, I change the filter through which I see my life and see everything as a huge hassle and a heavy burden.

Here's a recent example from my own household. My son is starting to potty train and he likes to watch things go down the toilet. He has twice now stuck his head in the toilet to the point where he got his hair wet! I hope you're laughing because it really is pretty funny. I had two completely different reactions the two times this has happened. I told people about it each time. Here is roughly what I said. "You won't believe what he did today! He stuck his head in the toilet trying to see the potty go bye-bye and got his hair wet (laughing)! Ah, the joys of parenting (said lightheartedly)." The second time it happened I was already frustrated and my reaction sounded more like this, "Grrrr...This kid is driving me freakin' nuts! He just stuck his head in the toilet A-GAIN! Why do kids have to be germ magnets? Knowing my luck he'll get sick now!" Feel the difference? Same thing happened, and I shared it with others each time. However, the first version leaves the listener (and me) with a completely different emotional experience from the conversation. I'd like to be the better version of myself on a more regular basis!

So what keeps us from changing? First off, HABIT! Oh how those bad habits are hard to change! I've also noticed that I'm afraid I'll seem obnoxious or fake to people if I were actually positive and upbeat most of the time. Lastly, I'm worried I wouldn't have anything to talk about! Sounds ridiculous, but honestly I for some reason believe that the insignificant hardships in my life can be played up to make my life sound full and interesting. What I need to remember is the truth of my experience. Authentic, positive, content people are the ones I want to be around, not the ones who are always frustrated and complaining. Complaining is the adult equivalent of whining. When people complain to me or I complain to them, I inevitably feel drained. Complain. Drain. Convenient that they rhyme, isn't it?!

One of the best ways to learn anything new is by close observation and imitation. If this can be true for other skills like cooking, dancing, athletics, etc, then there's no reason it can't work for improving the way we think and interact. Think of one person in your life who is a ray of sunshine. Next time you are with them, study them and try to pick up on the little nuances in how they filter what happens in their life, how they communicate it to others, how they support or interact with others. Try to find something you can mimic and practice it. Surround yourself as much as possible with the people in your life who lift you up, and minimize time with anyone who is toxic and negative. Attitudes are contagious!

Journaling Ideas and Things to Think About:
-What do you complain about? Start paying attention. Most likely the areas where you complain are areas where you are sweating the small stuff. What is one way you could change your thinking, actions, or attitude in these areas?
-What kind of friend are you - someone who drains and burdens people or someone who helps them be more positive? Would you want to be your friend? How can you be a better friend/spouse/parent? Think of one way you interact that you want to change and go to work!
-If you can't think of other topics of conversation besides complaining, maybe you need more in your life, not less. Think about whether you could take up a new positive activity even with a small time commitment. Read a book, start a new hobby or sport, volunteer/serve in some way. All of these things will give you more experiences in your life and therefore more things to talk about.
-Can you pinpoint any negative consequences you've experienced as a result of complaining? Are people reluctant to watch your kids because you complain about their behavior? Has griping or complaining negatively impacted you professionally in some way? Are you less patient with your loved ones because you complain mentally to yourself about their habits and increase your own frustration level? Being honest with yourself about the impact complaining really has on your relationships can be the best motivation for change!
-I've shared this verse before, but I can never get too many reminders of this one! Post this someplace where you'll see it several times each day and every time you look at it, choose to see the good and the blessings in your life.
"whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8