The Way You Were Made

Keeping on the theme of my last post about making peace with characteristics about ourselves that we might not like, I've been inspired by conversations I've had and articles I've read in the last week to address the issue of making peace with the way God made us. You see, we all seem to have this tendency to believe that while everyone is unique, deep down we are all the same. That's a cliche we hear all the time. To some extent it is very true. God made us all to be unique, but we are all created in His image, and we share the same basic needs as creatures. However, there is large variation in the extent to which we need certain things, and the manner in which we function best and meet our greatest potential.

I believe a large part of the problem is that all humans have a tendency to compare themselves to others, and as a collective we like to try to figure out the "right" way to do any given thing in life. The "right" way to schedule one's day for greatest success, the "right" way to discipline and raise a child, or the "right" way to find balance. There are tons of books written on every subject about how to do things the "right" way so you can be rich, attractive, fulfilled, and not screw up your children. In fact, you not only don't screw up your children, you ensure that you train them to grow up to be... rich, attractive, fulfilled, oh, and a prodigy in their unique talent area, of course, because if you miss that, you're surely responsible for them missing their true calling in life.

Life is such that we all have seasons where we are muddling through. Actually, no, I'd say we all have days, hours, minutes, within EVERY season of life where we feel like we are muddling through. We are frustrated by those times. We see them as evidence that we haven't quite figured out the magic formula for eliminating the muddling. We look to others who seem to have succeeded, and naturally want to learn from them how they did it, and then automatically apply their every habit to our own life in the hopes that we'll see the same result. Now let me be clear, this is not entirely without wisdom. There are a lot of areas where we aren't living as well as we should and we can gain a lot of wisdom from the experience and guidance of others who are further along in experience than we are. There will always be someone who has faced our same struggle, wrestled with it, and found a solution that improves their life, and gleaning wisdom from these people can save us a lot of unnecessary wrestling. However, it is my belief that we are setting ourselves up for a life of anxiety and discontentment if we truly believe that we can completely eliminate the muddling. Improve it; yes. Live with more joy, peace and fulfillment; yes. Forever be free from the cycles I wrote about in the last post... No. There will always be times in your life when you will feel tired, or frustrated, and you will question whether you are doing things the best way. Sometimes God gives us those times, so we will come to Him with a heart ready and open to learn a better way. Other times, we just believe we can take the fallen-ness out of this world, or at least rise above it, and we foolishly look for hard and fast rules about the "right" way. Instead we need to realize that even if we are doing things how God wants us to, we are still going to need times of rest, and a large portion of grace because life isn't neat and tidy, and we aren't perfect. Even the people we are trying to emulate because we think they appear to be perfect, aren't perfect.

So how do we begin to make peace with the way we were made? I think the first step is spending some time reflecting and getting to know ourselves, and dialoguing with God about how we have been uniquely created. I felt like I had an "Aha!" moment a few months ago, when I just suddenly realized, "I'm a slow pace person, and that's OK!" I do NOT thrive when running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Overscheduling will lead to the death of me. I burn out. I'm not nice. I'm not joyful. I'm not fulfilled. Hmmm... maybe God made me this way, and I need to stop trying to keep up women who were created to be fast pace.

Interestingly, what made me realize this was a point of frustration with my daughter, and trying to understand how God made her, so I could be a better mother to her. I was always trying to get her moving and keep her from becoming lazy. She is so bright and smart, and I didn't want her to waste her potential. Then we had to face decisions about how to schedule her life. I was trying frantically to figure out whether half-day or full-day kindergarten was best. Which was the "right" decision?! 80% of the other parents at her school decided full-day was right, but my gut (and my daughter when I asked her on multiple occasions) said that half-day was right for her. I deliriously believed that this one decision about kindergarten would surely be the hinge from which her entire future academic success would be determined. Talk about anxiety! It's hard to trust your gut when you're not in the majority. Thankfully God allowed the lightbulb to go on, and that's when I realized that she's just like me. She's an introvert. She's a night owl. She's a homebody. She's slow pace. She's very artistic. She needs down time and alone time to recharge and to truly thrive. I was able to realize that I wouldn't be wasting her academic potential by having her in school for half the time. By choosing half-day for her, I was giving her the time she needed to thrive, which in turn actually helps her to learn better, helps her to love and enjoy school instead of burning out on it, and makes her much more pleasant to be around. I had to get over my fear that there is a one size fits all right way, and that if the majority was right on this one, I had chosen to put my child behind. I made peace with how she was made, and it's been the best year we've had. In fact, when I asked her teacher how she was doing, she just smiled and said, "School's her thing." Just like her mama.

What concerns me is our innate desire to over-homogenize. It makes us feel safe somehow if we stay with the pack. It reaffirms our decisions if everyone agrees with us. We see someone succeed in some area, and we say, "Oh yes, that's it! That is what everyone should do! Frankly they'd have to be an idiot (or a terrible mother) to see it any other way." My friends are tied in knots about a million different things. What's best, homeschooling, public or private school? Or maybe a charter school? To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? Whether or not to work outside the home and how much. Day care or nanny? How many extracurricular activities are best? Do children need to be exposed to sports and music before age 3 to reach their full potential in those areas? Some people need constant activity and stimulation to thrive. They feel useless otherwise. We label these people as workaholics or overachievers, but if they are truly made that way, there is nothing wrong with them exerting so much energy everyday just as there is nothing wrong with the people who can't exert that much energy without imploding. Did you know that the true difference between extroverts and introverts is how their batteries are recharged? If you start to feel drained when you spend too much time alone, and then feel rejuvenated by going to a party or being around crowds of people in the city, you're an extrovert. If you enjoy being around people, but eventually feel drained by too much interaction, and feel recharged after some quiet alone time, you're an introvert. God didn't make us all the same, and good thing, because the world would literally not turn, people! There are not "right", one size fits all answers to these questions. In fact, what may be right for one person may be wrong for another. I was recently convicted of this with the vaccine debate. I've stood staunchly on both lines of this one at different points in my mothering journey, so I feel qualified to speak from both perspectives. The problem is that I was letting my negative experiences with vaccines, and my subsequent research determine the way I thought everyone should see them. I realized that the same vaccine that will kill one person, will save the life of another, and we are not the ones who know which is which. After prayerful consideration, if I feel more peace with not giving a certain vaccine, and my dear friend feels more peace with giving it, should we try to convince each other that we shouldn't have the peace we do with our decision? I came to realize that something that may have hurt my child, may save the life of hers, and vice versa. We are all terrified of being wrong no matter which decision we make, but we need to trust that if we seek Him, God will give us the direction that is right for us, and know that it may be the opposite of what is right for another. If the Bible isn't clear on the right and wrong about something, then I believe we are to receive as blessings that which God wants us to receive and to use caution where He prompts us. Only He knows what is right for each of us.We want there to be a one size fits all that we can settle into without doubt, but there isn't.

I'm a night owl. If I let myself follow my natural tendencies without trying to tweak my schedule at all, I will stay up until midnight or 1am and sleep until 8 or 9 am. I need at least 8 hours of sleep every night and will gladly take up to 10. If I don't get that amount of sleep consistently, I get crabby, exhausted, and I often get physically sick. I've spent my whole life hearing expressions like, "The early bird gets the worm." "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." Do I wish I was up to see the sunrise every morning to have a peaceful cup of tea, exercise, and do a devotional? Do I wish I was an energizer bunny that could run perfectly on just 4 hours of sleep, so I could get so much more done? Absolutely! Both of those things sound fabulous to me! Wouldn't that be a better way to be? Yes, it must be. And if it's the best way, mustn't God want me to conform myself to that? Doesn't the Proverbs 31 woman stay up later than her family, get up before them while it is still dark, and toil all day at a million different things without ever burning out? I have struggled with this many times. I have tried to fit that mold, and I will tell you, I do not do well when I try to buck the way I was made. I finally had to realize that if I can't change the way that I am, it must be the way God designed me to be, and I need to learn how the way I am has uniquely prepared me to live my purpose.

Have you ever taken a personality test? These remind us of the vast differences in people's areas of strength, how they view the world, how they function, how they thrive. Every personality test I have ever taken comes out saying that creativity is my strength. I love that I'm creative, but have never seen it as very practical. Not easy to make a living that way, right? (Funny side note being that I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, and now I am one, so at this stage at least, I don't need to force the issue of making money by using my strengths. Love that about God!) I am always most joyful and energized when I am doing something creative. It can be photography, working on a scrapbook, writing, decorating, designing a garden. If it is creative, it feeds me, and makes me feel happy. Remember how I said I am a slow pace person, a night owl, and an introvert, and how I felt for a long time like I should try to change those things? Guess what, I am most creative after 10pm. If I am hurried and busy, my creative brain is turned off. I need time alone, in silence, for my creative juices to flow at their peak. It takes a long time. I need time to get into a rhythm. When trying to design my front landscaping, I will literally sit on the lawn in my front yard and stare at my house for long stretches at a time. My mind's eye is busily rearranging and designing while everything else around me is still. When I allow myself to become over-scheduled, I stop creating, which means I stop getting fed in that way and feeling that sense of fulfillment, and I feel discontented and burned out. I am still searching for how my creativity fits into my larger purpose as it pertains to God's eternal kingdom. All I know is that it must have some purpose, or it wouldn't be what fills me up. I'm trying to trust in the fact that God made me this way, and that it makes Him happy when I create.

Still need more convincing that it's actually a good thing that we are all different? If no one was a night owl, who would want to work the afternoon shift at the hospital? However, I wouldn't want a surgeon who is a night owl performing my 6am surgery! What about whether to stay home or work when you're a mother? I love staying home; it is a great fit for me. Although I have to say, I'm glad my pediatrician is a working mother. I specifically wanted to work with a physician who has the perspective of both a doctor and a mom. The list could go on and on. Instead of trying to make ourselves feel secure by either conforming to the majority or trying to make the majority agree with us, we need to be honest with ourselves and allow God to speak into our lives, and realize that He did make us all differently.

How did God make you? How did God make your kids? Once you have some insight into those questions you can use that knowledge to make decisions about how your family may best thrive. Not all decisions will be clear, and we don't have crystal balls that let us see the end to every possible permutation of this "Choose Your Own Adventure" book we call life. Give yourself grace to do the best you know how, and trust God that His equipping is sufficient for us to do what He requires. In other words, even if we do our best and somehow miss the boat; if I honor the slow pace I recognize in myself and my kids and don't put them in an activity and later regret it; I need to remember that David's parents probably didn't send him to sling-shot camp when he was 5, but when the time came to face the giant, God gave him all the equipping he needed.